What the F?
by comlodge
Summary: Set sometime in BTVS Season 6. AU. Someone casts a spell that affects the Scoobie men, resulting in sexual innuendo/misplaced breasts/self gratification/naughty thoughts/actual sexual congress/alluding to actual sexual congress/same sex sex, you know boy on boy, girl on girl/ bad spell chanting. In short silliness and sexiness ensues. It's a mystery where it will go.
1. Chapter 1 - What the F?

**What the F…?**

"Sodding hell! What the fuck happened?" Spike continued to rub his hands across his chest, feeling the strange sensations rippling through his body. "Hmmm, does feel sorta nice. No wonder the bints go crazy for it. Wonder if I could just bend over far enough to get a tongue on?"

Xander woke with a start. He sat up and had the strangest feeling something was very wrong. First things, first he needed the bathroom. He stood, half-awake before the toilet and vaguely rubbed his hand across his chest with the hand not currently occupied. There was an itch there and he started scratching it.

"What the fuck?'"He put little Xander back in his pajamas and went to stand in front of the mirror. Slowly he unbuttoned his shirt all the way, staring intently in the mirror as he did so. "Oh my g..." He fell to the bathroom floor in a dead faint.

No doubt about it, age was catching up with him, Giles thought. He never felt rested when he woke in the morning, as though he had tossed and turned all night, which he had. He rubbed his face, wiping the sleep from his eyes and stretched his arms up as he stretched his entire body, lifting his feet a little from the bed as he did so. He glanced down towards his toes. Across his chest.

"Bloody hell! Willow!"

Sometime later the entire gang, including the undead wanker, was assembled in Giles living room. They were all babbling at once and he took his glasses off to wipe them and wish for the hundredth time, he could take something a bit stronger than Tylenol for his crashing headache.

"Yes well I apologised for jumping to the thought that you were responsible Willow. I think the important thing here, is that we find out who is responsible, what they did and how we go about reversing it."

"Maybe a bit of underwear shopping as well," Buffy added with a snicker.

Giles merely raised his eyebrows at her. "Buffy, I would appreciate it if you would treat this situation more seriously."

"Sorry Giles. It's just, well you look pretty funny and seriously a good bra stops you getting a sore back. Especially if you are really well endowed, um, like you seem to be."

"Oh yeah. I reckon a double D cup at least," Willow added, still feeling a bit miffed that everyone had jumped to the same conclusion as Giles had, and blamed her for the situation the three men now found themselves in. She snickered at the 'men'. Bit hard to apply that label right now.

"Spike! Stop playing with your chest. It's too weird!"

"You're just jealous Slayer, 'cos we got more than you!" His tongue poked out between his smirking lips as he continued to run a finger around what was obviously a very aroused and erect nipple pushing his tee out.

"You're a pig, Spike."

"Oink, oink, Slayer."

"Enough, you two. You're bickering is not getting us anywhere. Spike stop that now or I'll get out the manacles and you can research in the bathtub." Giles rubbed the bridge of his nose, hoping that his headache would go and that the aforementioned shopping expedition would not come have to come to pass. "Now let's put together what we do know."

"Well, we know the three of us men woke up this morning with boobs a lot bigger than we went to bed with. We know yours look like those of a matronly old wet nurse and need some support before they cause a hunch back, whereas Harris and me have pert, young things that respond well to a bit of attention."

"Speak for yourself fangless. My breasts do not need attention. Um that is I mean..." Xander looked down his front in contemplation. "They are pretty amazing aren't they? They stand up all by themselves really. Don't need a bra to hold them up."

"Spike, shut up. Xander stop running your fingers around your, um, breast like that. How can we take this seriously if you two keep doing that? I can't even look in Giles direction." Buffy did so as she said this and had to suppress another snicker. He did look like a well-endowed old woman. He really, really needed a bra.

"And, as I was going to add before the peanut gallery chimed in, we still got our dangly bits. Sodding sloppy, half assed sex change curse if you ask me."

"No-one was asking you, dead boy junior. And oh, god, imagine if our dangly bits were changed too."

"Enough with the dangly bits! As I was saying, I'll go hit the streets and see if I can come up with some info on who might be casting spells and you, er guys, stay here and help research. Willow, maybe you, Tara and Anya should go to the Magic Box and start looking through the books there, for a counter spell."

"Yes, well that probably is the best recourse at the moment. I certainly can't go outside like this." Giles' headache was now throbbing behind his eyes and his back was actually starting to feel the extra weight of his additional appendages. Heaven forbid but he couldn't help feel that perhaps a brassiere of some description was in order.

"Okay. Let's get to it!" Buffy was always action girl and she was up and out the door before anyone else could come up with a reason to stay. The other three girls followed her through the door.

"Well now. Who's up for a game of spin the bottle? Maybe, cop a feel in the dark." Spike leered at his companions.

"Shut up Spike!" Xander groaned.

"Be quiet, you idiot." Giles snapped at the same time.

Spike just grinned and continued running his finger around his very responsive nipples.  
...


	2. Chapter 2 - Research Mode

**Research Mode**

Several hours later, the three, um, men are in sitting in Giles' living room, he at his desk, Xander and the wanker on the sofa. Said wanker, Spike, is of course slouched down with feet up on the small table, fingers idly playing with his new found breasts as he stares, transfixed, at the television. In Giles' mind, the vampire's fascination with that idiot show, Passions, proves conclusively that the fellow had obviously been an ill bred moron, before he was turned.

Xander sat couched in the opposite corner of the sofa, as far from the vampire as he could get. He had a book open on his lap. His head however did not lean towards the pages; rather it was tipped back against the head rest. Eyes closed, mouth wide open, every now and then the boy let forth a loud, annoying snore, followed immediately by an equally loud and annoying snort. His tight, pert breasts, smaller than Spike's, but never the less a nice mouthful, gently rose and fell as he breathed.

Giles' headache had not improved. In fact, the close study of the books he had been researching, had served to increase the throbbing into a steady pounding. His back was also beginning to really ache and every time he leant forward, he had the awful feeling he was going to tip over. He sighed, sat back against the chair, removed his glasses and began polishing them with the hanky he took from his breast pocket.

"You know Spike, you could put some of that concentration you are displaying so well, to better use and help find a way out of our current predicament."

He received no reply and a quick glance showed that the vampire's eyes had not strayed from the screen in front of him and his fingers had not slowed in their attentions to those erect nipples, which could be seen standing up taughtly, through the black t-shirt. The breasts, to which they were attached, were very full, reminding Giles of a young Marilyn Monroe.

Giles sighed again, put his glasses back on and his hanky back in his pocket. He pushed the chair back and rose, keeping one hand on the desk to help balance the extra pull on his centre of gravity. He looked at his two companions. There would be no solution found to the crisis at hand, if he were to rely on those pair. He only hoped the girls were having a more productive time. He turned and walked to the kitchen, where he filled the kettle and turned it on. Perhaps a nice cuppa would revive him a little, along with a handful of Tylenol and a couple of fingers of malt. He smiled at the thought.  
...

Meanwhile at the Magic Box, Willow, Tara and Anya are indeed being productive, each of them immersed in large, heavy, bound tomes as they sit at the table in full research mode.

"W-willow, this might be a good all p-purpose r-reversal spell we could try. You know, if w-we haven't f-f-found anything else." Tara looked up at the red head as she said this.

"Let me see honey." Willow leaned across to scan the pages of the book in front of her lover. As she did, her arm brushed Tara's breast and both women felt a thrill run up their arms. They looked into each other's eyes and leaned in towards the other's lips.

"You can't have sex on this table. It's reserved." Anya closed the book she was reading and looked at the two witches. "It's probably a good time for a break though. The lunch time crowd will be here soon and I will get lots of money, which will help soothe my worries over my big breasted boyfriend. You two should go to the training room."

Her companions looked up questioningly. Anya rolled her eyes. Were all humans this thick?

"The training mats. When they are stacked, they are very comfortable. Not to mention that the vaulting horse is very well padded, and..."

"Okay." Willow broke in before Anya could get into the graphics. "Good idea. The break I mean. I could do with a bit of a stretch. How about you, Tara, need a break from all the researchy stuff?"

"W-well I know w-we should r-research, b-but I am a b-bit stiff. Yes, a b-break would be good." She smiled at Willow, a deep, knowing smile.

The two women pushed back from the table and rose. They walked, hand in hand, towards the training room door. Anya grinned as she watched them leave, glad that the training room was sound proof when the door was closed. She placed markers in the two books the others had open and closed them. Then she stacked all the books in the centre of the table. She did not want nosy customers looking through what they'd been reading.

She moved behind the counter and tidied around the cash register, giving it a loving caress as she did so. The doorbell tinged and she felt moisture gather. Capitalism was a good buzz, that's for sure and lunch time was always so rewarding. She loved the shop for this and also for the other opportunities it afforded her, now that she was human. There were many ways to practice vengeance, after all. She smiled to herself at that thought, then looked up as her next victim, er, customer, entered the store, and began her welcoming spiel.  
...

Across town at Willy's, Buffy is also engaged in productive information gathering, as she yet again slams Willy's head into his bar.

"Why do you always make me do this, Willy? You know you are going to spill everything anyway."

"Oww. Gotta think of my position, Slayer. If my customers thought I just give up everything without a fight, well let's just say, old Willy wouldn't be of any use to you." He rubbed the sore spot on his forehead. He was pretty sure he would have a very nice bruise there to match his already black eye, from her earlier punch to his face. God she was such a bossy bitch. When she walked in to the place, in those tight, figure hugging, black leather pants, little top straining to hold her breasts in, you just knew she was looking to hit someone. She should carry a riding crop or something, to slap against her boots, to complete the picture. Hmmm, maybe he could have one placed strategically on the bar...

Buffy grabbed his shirt front with both hands and pulled him toward her. He blinked his eyes rapidly and opened his mouth a little, hitching in a shaky breath.

"Are you listening to me Willy?" She gave him a shake that made him groan, in a rather strange way, she thought, more like a moan. Eh, who knew what these low life types were thinking.

"I want to know if you've heard anything about a new big bad. Someone into the magics?" She shoved him back, watched him lick his weasley little lips, nod his head.

"Ah, yeah. Heard there's some kind of magician been asking round, about you lot. Hasn't been in here, far as I know. Just, overheard a couple of vamps talking about it, last night." Oh yeah, she was so strong, so hard, yet soft, so dominant.

"Where and who, Willy?"

"Uh, well, I don't know Slayer. I didn't hear names or places. At least not that I remember. Maybe if you slap me round a bit more, I might remember."

He licked his lips again. Ugh, she thought, do people really have such thin lips on purpose or had he had work on them. Buffy shook her head.

"Just keep your eyes and ears open, Willy. I'll be back to hear what you've found out." She turned and headed for the door, already thinking of a double mocha latte with her name on it. Uh, I so need a caffeine injection after this. Willy watched her walking out.

"Sure thing, Slayer. Whatever you want. So, same time tomorrow?"  
...


	3. Chapter 3 - Gathering Information

**Gathering Information**

Previously: Where we were: The boys have been be spelled by bad or bads unknown, obviously for evil reasons because, duh, what else would it be? Unable to show their full fronted chests in public, they have sent the women folk out to track down some clues as to what happened and how to fix it...

Giles sat at his kitchen bench and waited for the tea, in its little pot, to draw. He shifted uncomfortably, the unaccustomed weight of his exceedingly full breasts and the fact that they hung rather low on him, was beginning to put a real strain on his back. He folded his arms across his chest, underneath the offending appendages and gave them some much needed support. Heaven forbid, but if they did not soon find a way to reverse whatever magic had caused his breast alterations, he would have to go about acquiring some sort of support clothing for them. He blushed at the thought.

He'd taken a handful of headache tablets before he'd started the kettle and now the pounding behind his eyes, was at last beginning to recede. He pondered the problem at hand, with a clearer mind. Something about the whole situation gave him a vague sense of familiarity, as though he should know who or what might be behind the whole mess.

He turned the pot three times, full circle on the counter, as any good tea maker would know, and poured the hot liquid through the little strainer he'd placed across his favourite, bone china cup. One had to have the correct crockery to truly enjoy a good brew. He left sufficient room to add a dash or two of whiskey. Tea was a great reviver and a staple of English culture, but even it could be improved with the proper additives. He got up and retrieved the bottle from the wall cupboard behind him, topped his cup up, then put the bottle away. He didn't want the bleached moocher discovering its existence or, it's hiding place.

Giles came out of the kitchen, carefully carrying his cup of perfectly brewed, fortified tea. He hoped Spike's stupid, bloody, sitcom would be over and that Xander would have found a second wind from his little nap. Perhaps they would both get down to some serious research now. He looked over at the back of the sofa as he thought this. At least the boy's head was no longer hanging over it and miracle of miracles, the television was now blank. He took a sip of his tea, savouring the sweet burn as it slipped down his throat and proceeded to the other end of the room.

'Now that you two have had a bit of a rest, perhaps we could all get back to it. The sooner...' His cup and saucer crashed to the floor as he staggered back before the sight in front of him. On his sofa no less. In his bloody flat!

"Bloody hell! What are you both doing! And on my bloody chair!"

Meanwhile, across town at the Magic Box, in the training room, the heavy sounds of deep and soulful kissing resound through the otherwise silent room. Smells of lust, of slippery juices, and wet curly hairs, mix with Tara's earthen perfume and the lavender scent of Willow's.

Tara lifted her head from the kiss and drew in a much needed breath and sighed to her lover on the exhale. "Oh, W-Willow, every day I thank the Goddess for leading me to you."

"Me too, Tara, me too. I can't believe I thought I wanted to drive stick. I mean I really did love Oz, but not like I love you. You're so soft and giving and your breasts are huge and taste so yummy. I guess I was in denialville. I mean none of my friends were gay." She screwed her face in thought. "Well, I suppose I have always wandered about Xan, even when I thought I was attracted to him. You know with the wise cracks, the silly faces and the flowery shirts. He isn't a neat freak though, but I have seen him looking."

"Yes-s. H-he d-did comment on Spike's body in a rather studied w-way. Hmm."

"Yeah and he did ask to be 'gayed up'. Hmmm." Willow shook her head. "Let's not think about it. I'm here with you, all gay being now and loving it. We'll have to get back to the books, soon, I suppose." Willow leaned back in to Tara's lips and they opened to each other, tongues dueling for entry into the other's mouth. Arms wrapped around to caress backs, drifting down to rounded asses, as they sank onto the mats already stacked on the floor.

Outside, in the main shop, Anya was in an orgy of selling. The customers had steadily streamed in, looking for charms and potions to enhance their dull, human existences. She sold several love potions to some very plain women, obviously in need of all the help they could get. Another woman had wanted a fertility charm, because she desperately wanted to get pregnant so that her lover would have to marry her. Anya was quite pleased to help with that one.

A man came in for a potion to enhance his penis. He was very rude and did not tip at all. She was not sorry that she'd neglected to mention the possible side effect of some things turning bright orange if the lotion was applied incorrectly. It was on the label and if he didn't read it, well too bad. There was a sign on the wall that said buyer beware and to read all labels carefully.

Another man had been browsing in the book shelves for some time now. She'd kept an eye on him while serving at the counter. As the previous customer left, the man approached the counter.

"Can I help you sir? We have many fine lines available. If we don't have it here, I'm happy to order it in for you. Special orders have to be paid for at the time of ordering. It is annoying how many times someone asks for something special to be brought in and they don't come back."

"Yes, please." The man interrupted what he thought, was going to be a long discourse, that he had neither the time nor desire to hear. Vengeance demons, even ex ones were not to be trifled with. "I was looking for a statue of the Roman god, Silenus and one of Faunas. Also some powdered unicorn horn, a satyr's penis and some water from the river Lethe."

"Oh, we don't have much call for Silenus but I do happen to have one in. One of those never picked up special orders. He was quite expensive to procure."

"Money is no object." The man smiled at her.

"Oh." Anya sighed, "Mr..?"

"Hill. Greg Hill."

"Mr. Hill, we can certainly help with you all of those. Our Satyr's penis is authentic and very expensive, of course, because it is very hard, almost impossible to obtain. As you would know, the Lethe River has not been found for centuries, but we do have good sources so you've come to the right place for that as we do have several vials. Would you want some Lethe bramble with that as well?"

"Why not?" He smiled widely, showing lovely even teeth that looked just a touch feral. "One can never forget enough."

At the Espresso Pump, Buffy sat and brooded over her double mocha latte. She hadn't really found out anything useful, other than maybe there was a new big bad in town, and maybe he/she had shown an interest in her little band of evil fighters. She supposed she would have to go back to that irksome little man, Willy, and see what he'd found out. And what was his deal anyway? She probably couldn't take Spike there with his new body shape either. Durn!

Hmmm. She'd tried not to, but she had found it very hard to take her eyes off of Spike, this morning. She'd kept glancing out the corner of her eye at him, while he had been so engrossed in his own chest. She sighed. Her feelings on the matter were perplexing. She couldn't see how they could possibly get together to, um, discuss what they should do about things. She wondered if he could even fight. What if he got kicked in the chest? He wouldn't be used to protecting that area and besides, his balance might be off.

Oh well, she probably should drop by the Magic Box and see how the others were getting on. Hopefully they will have found something useful in all those books. She was kinda feeling a bit, um, well… she needed to visit a certain blond haired vamp to solve a problem and the thought of seeing him bare chested was, well… actually, not as repulsive as she might have thought.

She pushed back her chair to leave.

…


	4. Chapter 4 - What Are Those Boys Doing

**What are Those Boys Doing?**

So we had left our mysteriously be-spelled male Scoobies in the living room of Giles apartment, where Giles had just had a shock and broke his favourite cup; Willow and Tara were on an, um, 'break' in the training room and Anya was fleecing, ah, attending, to customers at the Magic Box; and lastly Buffy was deep in thought over rounded, weighty matters at the Espresso Pump, such as does the chocolate in a double mocha latte have more calories than in a slushy. Let's continue…

At Giles shout, Xander struggled to get out from under Spike. The vampire however was having none of it and continued chewing and sucking on the nipple he had in his mouth. Xander gave a hard, panicked shove and Spike tumbled backwards onto the floor, knocking into the coffee table on his way down.

"Hey! Watch it. Fellow could take that the wrong way!" Spike turned his head to look up at Giles, who was standing glowering at the both of them, mouth opened, gaping wordlessly at the spectacle in front of him. Xander was trying to pull his shirt back down into place. His unfamiliarity with having breasts was causing him a little trouble in his position on the couch.

"You could have asked to join in, Rupes. Plenty of vampire to go round."

Giles shook himself and glared down at the little bastard. Spike, for his part simply smirked up at the watcher from his position on the floor, between couch and table. He ran a hand from his navel, up between and then around the lush, full breasts that stood up from his once flat chest. Giles felt a tightening where he should not be feeling anything of the sort.

"Um, I'll help you clean that up, Giles." Xander stood up, still tugging on his shirt in an attempt to cover his bare chest. Giles, muttering to himself, bent over to retrieve his fallen crockery. Xander's head met Giles' ample bosom with some force. Giles went down in a heap, howling loudly, falling on top of Xander and sending them both crashing onto the vampire, who was still semi recumbent on the floor, fingering his own bosom.

…

Willow and Tara emerged from the training room as Anya's customer took the packages he had paid for, from the counter and turned to the store entrance. He opened the door to leave just as Buffy reached for the door from the other side. The man held the door and stepped back to allow her to enter.

She smiled in his direction. "Thanks."

"You're welcome." The man returned her smile with a slight nod before he proceeded out of the door.

Buffy paused on the step with a thoughtful look, shook her head and proceeded to the table where the other three women had gathered.

"Hey guys. Found anything helpful?"

"Hi Buffy," returned Willow, "Tara found a general reversal spell we could try but as for anything that relates to what type of spell we might be looking at, we've got zip."

Tara smiled up at Buffy and Anya frowned in thought.

"It seems a very strange thing to give men breasts. It could be a vengeance wish. Though who would do that to my Xander? Perhaps I should check in with D'Hoffryn anyway."

"I think at this stage any idea is of the good, since we're flying blind here." Buffy crossed her arms. "Who was that man who just left?"

"A customer. He bought that fertility statue we'd been left with after ordering it in especially, for a very selfish customer who obviously thought I had nothing better to do, and never came back for it. I think he and his wife might be trying to get pregnant. I wonder what that would be like, having a child. I want to have children."

"Hmm. He seemed familiar for some reason. S'pose I've seen him round town. Anyway, I was thinking, we should probably get some food and take what we've found out back to Giles' place."

Tara and Willow nodded their agreement. Anya folded her arms across her body.

"Well I am worried about Xander and today's sales have been good, so I guess I could close the shop early. I have to count the money though."

"Why don't you stay here and close up, Anya? Willow, Tara and I can go get the food come back and get you."

…

The front door of Giles apartment opened and Willow, Tara and Anya entered. Anya carried a box of donuts, Tara a tray of coffees and Willow a book.

"We bring doughnuty goodness and a reversal spell that might just work," Willow announced, as the three women walked to the end of the sofa.

Whatever else might have been said was forgotten, as the women surveyed the sight before them. A tangle of limbs, glimpses of bare chests and exposed breasts, flailing arms and other things, amid a flow of grunts and curses.

"Oh, m-my, m-my." Tara tried to look anywhere but at the show on the floor.

"Giles!" This from Willow, who was mortified to see the man she looked to as a second father, in a state of, well she wasn't sure what state, but she was pretty sure she didn't want to know.

"Xander! You said I was your only orgasm partner. You could have at least waited until we could join you. Or watch. You're so selfish." Anya pouted and turned to take the food to the kitchen. Willow also turned from the sight on the lounge room floor, grabbed Tara by the elbow and followed Anya.

As they passed the front door, it flew open to admit Buffy who was carrying a bag of what smelt like Chinese food. She took one look at her friends' shocked faces, heard the grunting and scuffling on the other side of the sofa and went into slayer mode, dropping the bag and leaping across the room. The three women turned to watch.

As Buffy cleared the chair, she pulled up short, mouth open in shocked horror at the spectacle before her.

"Spike! How could you?" She glared down at the tangle of semi naked males before her. "I mean, what are you doing, you bad vampire, you? Don't you hurt Giles or Xander." She pulled the three men apart and helped Giles to his feet. Xander found his own way upright, tugging at his shirt. Spike stayed, bare-chested, fly open, giggling, on the floor.

Giles extracted himself from Buffy's grasp and adjusted his clothing. The little shit had opened his fly and had his hand down Giles' pants while Giles had writhed on the floor in some pain, from the blow he had received from Xander's head. Really, that boy could be such a klutz! He quietly re-zipped himself after he had pulled his shirt back into place.

"Where are my glasses?" He looked around for his glasses which had fallen off sometime during the rolling, fumbling movements, after his unseemly fall. His chest hurt. He had not realised how sensitive breasts could be, how easily bruised. Certainly, not first hand.

"Um Xander, you're um, fly is open." Buffy stammered. She looked around at the vampire on the floor and blushed bright red when she realised that his jeans were also open and little Spike was rampant and on full display. She grabbed a cushion off the chair and threw it in the general direction.

Giles noticed and looked over at the smirking blond on the floor.

"For god's sake Spike. Dress yourself, man!"

"Like what you see, do you, Watcher?" Spike looked down his body to admire the view himself. Bugger, but it was a bit weird to see the girly attachments above his waving todger. He looked up at Buffy with a smirk on his face.

She glared down at him and ground out a, "Get dressed you idiot." She turned and headed towards the kitchen, picking up the bag of food from the floor and ushering the other three women before her.

"Straighten yourselves up and we'll get the food ready."

...


	5. Chapter 5 - Let's Eat

**Let's Eat!**

Previously in What the F...The boys have been caught being naughty and the girls have retreated to the kitchen to let the men adjust themselves as required and do womanly things, like get the food ready and share what they saw in the living room and how they feel about it. ..

"That was so embarrassing." Willow could feel the heat of her blushing.

"Giles breasts really are large and very saggy." Anya as always, was tactless but accurate. "I am mad at Xander though, doing that with Spike."

"Can't say I'm too happy about it, either," mumbled Buffy. In fact, Buffy was still staring green eyed daggers of death, at the vision of Spike's mouth on Xander's breasts, which seemed to be playing in an endless loop through her mind.

"S-spike is v-very w-well endowed, isn't he and quite, um sh-shameless, about sh-showing it?"

"Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you had to see that. It must have been awful for you. Seeing a man's, well seeing it, for the first time."

"I've g-got brothers, W-willow. I've s-seen it b-before."

"Oh, well. Um, anyway it was awful. I wish I could turn back time and erase..."

"No!" The other three women shouted as one.

"I wasn't going to. I was just saying." Willow pouted. Sheesh, she'd made one tiny mistake. Over indulged in magic just a little bit, made a couple of bad choices. Would they never get over it? What was their problem?

"I know, Will. Sorry. Didn't mean to jump down your throat like that. Just, you know, seeing that," Buffy tipped her head towards the other room and shivered, "so of the bad, uh."

"Your spells have a tendency to go wrong anyway, so it is probably better that you don't play around with time. I remember a Genie I met once in Istanbul, or was it ..."

"Thanks, Anya. Let's get some plates and stuff out and get the table set. Food's getting cold and I don't know about you guys, but I'm feeling a bit hungry. Haven't had anything since the double mocha latte at the Espresso Pump this morning. "

...

"Really Spike, will you get up off the floor and put that, that thing away and dress yourself." Giles gestured towards the offending appendage with his head, before turning to once again pick up the pieces of his cup and saucer. Xander moved to help, taking a bit more care, this time, of where Giles was in relation to his head.

"Thank you Xander. If you could just put the pieces in the kitchen tidy and bring back a cloth from the sink to mop up the spill, I'd appreciate it." He gave the pieces he'd picked up to Xander.

"Sure thing, Giles." Xander held the broken china against his chest and went towards the kitchen.

"Spike, you pest! Get up off the floor now and explain yourself." Giles glared at the offending creature as he said this. He felt a strong desire to kick the vampire in a certain part of his anatomy. Either that, or take it in hand and do other things, things he had not done or even thought of, for a very long time. He drew in a heavy breath.

"What you on about, Watcher?" The vampire rose to his feet in a movement so fluid that he seemed to be made of liquid rubber or something equally pliable. He fastened his fly as he did so and Giles marveled at the grace of the creature before him.

"I mean Spike, your sudden predilection for Xander and, erm, for myself. I hadn't realised your proclivities tended in that direction."

"Vampire, Rupert. Sex is sex. When you have the urge, and we have it all the time, gender doesn't come into it. Getting your end away is what it's all about, isn't it?" That infuriating tongue protruded across the equally infuriating but surprisingly full and lush bottom lip. Giles stared at it, mesmerised. His hands moved to his crotch, checking the zipper. He felt the blood pooling in his groin.

"Er, yes well. I thought you detested the boy. I'm just surprised to see you groping him as though you were on a date with your girl, at the pictures."

"Hmmm, come to think on it, he's not really my type. I generally prefer an older man, someone with a few brains as well as a good body. When I want a man, that is." Spike smirked and ran his tongue across his lip, staring pointedly at Giles. "Someone with a bit of experience."

Giles felt all of the blood in his body, race to pool in his groin, felt his member stiffen and lengthen, pushing against his now closed zipper. He could still feel Spike's cool hand wrapped around him, teasing the head, sending little frissons of electricity to his...

"Here's the cloth you wanted, G-man."  
...

The four women bustled about between the kitchen and the dining table, setting up places for them all and putting out the food.

"Come on you three, foods up." Buffy looked across the room at the three men. Xander was bent down, cleaning something off the floor while Giles was standing, staring at Spike with a strange look. Spike for his part was slouching, bare chested, with his jeans hanging round his hips, looking like some sort of weird, sexy statue.

"Um, guys. Foods ready. Let's eat."

"Oh, yes of course. Thank you Buffy. We'll be right there." Giles shook himself, took his glasses of and searched for his hanky to clean them.

"'Bout time you birds got it ready. Feelin' a might peckish what with all the strain and worry over what's happening to us."

"Put your shirt on Spike, or no food for you."

"Yes, Spike, you will dress before you come to the table in my flat."

The vampire bent down slowly and retrieved his t-shirt from the floor, aware that his fellow English man was watching him the whole time. Xander stood up from his cleaning chore and Giles looked his way. He replaced his glasses and returned his hanky to its pocket.

"Good man, Xander. Just put that in the sink and I'll, ah, take care of it later. Let's all sit down. I'm sure we will all feel a little refreshed, after we've eaten what the ladies have prepared for us. Then we really must get back into it and see what we have found out about our problem."  
...

"That was some fine Chinese, girls. You've provided well for your men folk." Xander sat back in his chair, rubbing his obviously full stomach.

"Yes, yes, it was excellent, quite delicious. I think a nice cup of tea would be in order, particularly as my last cup was interrupted." Giles winced as he remembered the earlier sofa incident. He looked across the table at Spike who was dunking the last egg roll in his mug of blood.

As Giles watched, the vampire brought the roll to his opened lips and began to lick the blood from it, running his tongue around the roll in quite the most sensual way. The vampire then proceeded to push the food slowly between his lips, eyes lowered so that his long black lashes grazed the top of his cheeks. Giles stared, lost in a sea of inappropriate thoughts, as Spike proceeded to suck on the roll, hollowing his cheeks as he did so, making the bones stand out more than they normally did. The little shit opened his eyes to stare directly into Rupert's, the pupils wide and dark, in that ocean of blue.

Buffy reached across at that moment, and whacked Spike on the shoulder. "I know vampire's like to play with their food, but not at this table."

Spike bit through the roll and smirked. "Whatever you say, Slayer." He shoved the other half into his mouth and chewed noisily.

"Yes, well, I'll, um just put the kettle on." Giles pushed his chair back.

"I'll do it, Giles." Willow jumped up from the table. Anya and Tara followed her and began clearing the plates and cutlery from the table.

Spike lazed back in his chair, hands behind his head and stared at Giles. Xander, toyed with the his place mat. Giles sighed.  
...


	6. Chapter 6 - Sharing Notes

**Sharing Notes**

Previously in What the F…?, (you do realise I just like saying that title in my mind as I type, don't you?) we left our intrepid band finishing up a fine repast, provided by the women of the group. (Yes I know a stereo type.) They've once again retired to the lounge of Giles apartment, which is of course Slayer Central when they are not at the Magic Box…

"Alright, let's see what we've all come up with today." Giles looked around at the young people sprawled on various bits of his furniture. "I'll begin with what we have found whilst you ladies were out, which I am sad to say, amounts to almost nothing. Actually, I'd…"

"What're you talking about Watcher? We found out heaps. Xander is horribly ticklish and his nipples are really responsive ..."

"Spike! Shut up!" Buffy glared at the offending vampire. For his part, Spike simply closed his mouth and smirked at her, poking his tongue between his thick, full lips, just a little. She so wanted to suck it into her mouth and bite down really hard! The teaser!

"Yes. Thank you, Buffy. If I can continue. We found no useful references during our research today. I was hoping that you girls might have fared better, with the resources at the Magic Box?" Giles looked hopefully in the direction of the women.

"Well, we concentrated on transmogrification spells," Willow began, "but it's such a wide field and without knowing a reason behind why this happened, it's really hard going."

"Yes, quite." Giles removed his glasses and pulled his hanky from its pocket and began cleaning them. "Now, Willow, I believe you mentioned a possible reversal spell that might be effective. Perhaps we should have a look at that?"

"Oh, um, sure Giles. Tara actually found it." Willow looked adoringly at her partner. "It's this one here." She passed the book she'd been nursing in her lap to Giles, her finger holding open the required page. Giles took the book and studied the spell Willow had marked, noting the ingredients and special requirements. His brow wrinkled in that way of his, when he was concentrating on something he possibly did not altogether, agree with.

"Yes, perhaps this might be worth a try. It is a basic spell, with easily obtained ingredients which we would have at the Magic Box. No nasty side effects. Always a plus."

"We brought the required ingredients with us, in case you wanted to go ahead and give it a try. Tara could do it. It's very basic."

"I-I w-would be pl-pleased to h-help, i-if I c-can." Tara smiled shyly at the group in general.

"Perhaps you can both prepare the spell while Buffy gives us a run down on what she has found out."

"Sure thing Giles. We'll set it up over here on the floor. Just need to clear a space and draw our pentacle." Willow moved over to the floor at the foot of the stairs and began rolling up the rug that was on the floor.

"Yes, yes, good, good." Giles gave a little smile to Willow and turned toward his slayer. "Buffy, were you able to find anything at all, about our, um, little problem, from your sources within the demon world."

"Wouldn't call these a little problem, Rupert." As he said, this Spike began to once again finger his recently acquired breasts. Both Giles and Buffy sighed at the interjection but both wisely decided to ignore the vampire.

"Not much," Buffy replied, "that little weirdo, Willie, said that some demons were talking about a new magician in town. Apparently he, she or it, has been asking around about us."

"Us?" Giles raised his eyebrows in question.

"Yeah, that's what the little creep said. This magician, whoever, or whatever he or she is, is apaprently interested in us! Willie said he hasn't seen this magician himself, so he's going to call me tonight when the ones who were talking about it, show. I thought I could take Spike with me for backup and we could do a quick patrol as well. No-one should notice his, um, extra bits in the dark." Buffy looked at Spike, her expression clearly indicating that something other than patrolling was on her mind. The vampire stopped playing with his chest and cleared his throat.

"Ah, yeah, patrol. Good idea Slayer. No need to shirk our duties just 'cos we got a little problem. I could just keep me coat closed, should hide the extra bits, from prying eyes. Could do with a spot of , er, violence to relieve the tension." Spike grinned in the Slayer's direction, something other than a desire for violence, clearly written on his face. She gave a tiny smile in return.

"Well, let's see how we go with the spell first. You might not have anything to hide if it works." Giles turned to look over at Willow and Tara, who had now marked out a pentacle and placed a candle at each of the five intersecting points. Tara sat in the middle with a small bowl in front of her and was carefully crumbling a mixture of herbs and dried flowers into it.

"W-w-willow, have you g-got the dried agronomy f-f-flower?" Tara looked across at Willow expectantly.

"I thought you got that while I was getting the orris root."

"N-no. I was getting the raspberry leaf and Violetta syrup."

"Oh no. We need the agronomy for the spell. It's a key ingredient. I don't suppose you have any here, Giles?"

"No. I'm afraid not, Willow. Not really something I use."

"Well we will have to go back to the Magic Box and get some." Willow frowned and looked over to where Anya was sitting on Xander's lap. She noticed that hands seemed to be disappearing into each other's tops. She frowned. "Um, Anya?" Anya did not respond. She and Xander seemed to be murmuring quietly to each other. She called the ex demon's name a little louder. "Anya!"

"What is it, Willow?" Anya turned with an annoyed glower on her face. "Can't you see that Xander and I are busy? We are reacquainting ourselves with each other, because of Xander's alterations. It's important for a healthy, happy relationship that couples are at ease with their respective partner's bodies. I need to…"

"Yes, well, I'm sure that is a valid point, Anya." Giles interrupted what was obviously going to be another one of Anya's inappropriate sharings. "Willow and Tara need to go back to the Magic Box for a key ingredient, for their spell. Would you mind going back with them, let them into the shop and help them find it quickly? The sooner we get this reversal spell done the happier we will all be, I'm sure."

Anya pouted but got to her feet, nodding her head in agreement, as she did so. "Yes, you are probably right, Giles. It would be better if everyone's bodies did get back to the normal proportions. I can't see how we could get together properly anyway, if both of us have breasts."

Giles raised his eyebrows and whispered 'good heavens' to himself. Xander spluttered and turned a bright shade of red. "Ahn, I don't think we need to worry about that. Willow and Tara will get the stuff for the spell and reverse whatever's been done to us and then everything will be back to normal."

"It's getting late. I have to go make sure Dawn is home from school. I'll bring her back here with me. I guess you guys just stay here and keep doing what you were." Buffy's face turned red as she remembered exactly what the men had been doing when they had arrived. She certainly did not want her sister to see them in flagrante delicto when she and Dawn returned.

"That is, I mean, hit the books. And make sure my little sister doesn't have to walk in on anything she shouldn't be seeing." With a stern look at each of the men, she turned and followed the other women out the door.

"Well now. You heard she who must be obeyed. Where were we up to?" Spike leered at Giles and Xander, tongue wetting his lower lip.

"Shut up Spike!" Giles snapped. "Get a book both of you. We need to find something that will reverse whatever spell we are under and find the person or demon responsible!"

…


	7. Chapter 7 - Who Dat Man in Black

**Who Dat Man in Black?**

Previously in What the F..., our intrepid Scoobies have fed and watered and then set about sharing their not very fruitful day. That is not much happened last chapter did it? The girls have gone to retrieve a missing ingredient and a younger sister and once again, left the boys to their own devices in Giles flat...

Giles stood looking down at the two men on the couch. He'd never really noticed before what a fine young man Xander was growing into. The boy had been around for so long now, in the background, fetching and carrying, providing a little humour now and then. Just generally being supportive. Now that he'd left school behind and joined the workforce he was starting to fill out and mature. Yes, he could be annoying at times but he reminded him of someone from his younger days, the days he tried not to think about too often. The days of experimentation, youthful over confidence. The days of magic and chaos.

"What you staring at, Watcher?"

Giles shook himself and stared at the vampire. He had, of course, noticed the tight body, the smooth muscles, the strength and natural elegance of the creature, before. What he hadn't noticed was the blue of his eyes. So very blue, in such a young, handsome, almost boyish face. If it wasn't for that shock of peroxide white and the smart mouth, he'd be just the type that a younger, wilder Giles would have sort out, lusted after. Yes, Ripper would have taken him, used him and enjoyed him.

The two younger men looked up at Giles, eyes glazing somewhat. They could each feel heat rising within, blood surging towards their groins. As one they both stood and stepped toward the older Englishman. Hands reached out, fumbling with buttons and zips, lips met lips, mouths opened and tongues dueled. Giles groaned, felt a fog seeping through his brain. He managed a mumbled, "Upstairs."

In an older part of Sunnydale, close to the ocean, stood a dilapidated, grand old lady, of a house, built in the style of the great Southern plantation houses. The peeling paint, tattered gardens and rickety stairs leant a worn air of gentile neglect to the building. The huge windows and latticed, french doors that opened onto the wide, pillared, front verandah, were all shuttered from the outside world. A small breeze played through the leaves of the trees and the coolness of the approaching evening misted through the undergrowth.

Inside, in the large shadowed parlour, a figure in black sat, cross legged, in a small circle of lit candles. More candles adorned the tables and side boards, that spread throughout the once elegant room. Before the figure, sat a statue and a small bowl that glowed from the fire burning an assortment of leaves and dried flowers.

"Hear me oh, Silenus, god of lust, god of wine, god of pleasure, hear me and grant my boon. Send me the love and lust of Rupert Giles. Send me the love and lust of Ripper." The man picked up a large needle from the floor in front of him and pricked his thumb. He squeezed a dew drops of his blood into the small flames in the bowl. The flared and reached towards his hand as though they not only welcomed the offering but sort more. The glow turned a pulsing red and pink smoke began to rise and envelope the figure.

"Dawn, are you home?" Buffy closed the front door of Revello Drive as she called into the gloom of the house. She felt a small shiver run up her spine. When had her home turned into a house? When mom had died. The thought caused a hitch in her breath as she felt her loss and sorrow well up inside her. It's so not of the fair, she thought. I was in heaven, with mom, and it was so peaceful and quiet. No bratty little sister to take care of, no bills to worry about… oh god she really needed a go with Spike.

His name brought visions from earlier in the day when she had caught the three men entangled and obviously very aroused, on the floor of Giles' living room. Spike with woman's breasts. That smooth, silky, white skin stretched and protruding into smooth round mounds with large, dark nipples, the aureoles of which had stood out pimpled and taught. The bastard did have bigger boobs than her. She wondered what it would be like to feel those breasts, knead them, suck the nipples.

Anya unlocked the door to the Magic Box and the three of them trooped into the shop, closing and locking the door after them. "What was the herb you needed, Willow?" she asked, as she turned from the door. In front of her the two other girls were in a full on clinch, tongues obviously down each other's throats, soft moans rising, hands running over each other's bodies. It was so erotic. It was so enticing. Anya felt the wetness grow between her legs. She moved towards the girls, mouth open, hands reaching out to feel flesh, any flesh. Willow released Tara's lips and as one the two of them moved to let Anya into their clinch.

"We should go to the training room. The mats are very comfortable." The three of them moved together, hands continuing to run across breast, bottoms, anything they could, really.

Buffy groaned at the thought of sucking on Spike's breasts. Her hands moved to her own, cupping them, kneading the pliant flesh, pinching the nipples between thumb and fore finger. Her eyes drifted closed as sensations began to run through her body. Then her brain kicked in and she noticed the red light flashing on the message machine, beside the phone. She stepped over to it and pressed the button. The clear, whiny voice of her sister, echoed through the hall.

"I'm just ringing to remind you, that you said I could stay over at Janice's this weekend. I know you forgot, You always do. Janice's mum is taking us to school on Monday. See you Monday night. Have fun slaying things."

She had forgotten of course, otherwise she wouldn't have come home. Still, now that she was home she could take a bath, change clothes and maybe use that nice little waterproof vibrator that Spike had given her last week. The bastard! Her hands went back to her nipples as she moved towards the stairs. She might drop in on Willy on the way back to Giles and punch some more information out of him. She groaned with anticipation.

The three men had stumbled up the stairs, pulling at each others clothes, leaving shirts and singlets in a trail behind them. Spike had his hands in Giles pants and Giles had his in Xander's. The boy was busy running his hands across Spikes breasts, kneading them, tweaking the nipples. Tongues licked, noses nuzzled as they stumbled through the door to Giles bedroom. Pants and underwear were shed, cocks springing up in delighted freedom.

"Slick?" the vampire enquired, pulling back from Giles lips. Giles reached down to the bedside draw, opened it and drew out a tub labeled 'Butter Boy'. "Always knew you had it in you, Ripper."

"Don't call me that, boy." Giles bit Spike's bottom lip. He turned and pushed Xander onto the bed and drew Spike with him as he tumbled onto the bed beside the boy.

Hands flew everywhere, tugging at blouses and skirts, lifting hems. The sounds of zips opening, buttons popping, clothes sliding from bodies and soft groans into open mouths, filled the training room. The three women sank onto the mats on the floor, in a tumble of arms and legs. The scent of sex filled the air as tongues ran across breasts, teeth nibbled nipples, mouths delved into darker, silkier lips and sucked the juices that slipped from between them.

In the parlour of the shabby, old house the man calling himself Greg Hill sat still in his circle of candles. The flames in the little bowl had died away and the pink smoke that had grown and curled about him had seeped out of the house and been carried on the breeze to spread across Sunnydale and find the targets of it's master's desires. The man smiled to himself, the glint of chaos in his eyes. He broke into loud laughter.  
...


	8. Chapter 8 - Anticipation

**_Part 8. Anticipation_**

Previously in What the F…. Hmm, should I start from the beginning, because it's been so long since I put out a chapter? Also, that will push the word count up and I can feel good about that. Okay then.

In the beginning, the boys woke up in their respective beds and discovered they'd grown boobs, overnight. Yes, I mean literally, lady sized breasts, complete with big, full nipples and sensitive, dark aureoles. Spike and Xander's were nice, pert, young, big mouthfuls and then some. Giles' were a bit on the matronly side, large and pendulous, for which I'm sure, he was a bit envious of the other two.

A Scooby meeting was immediately convened at Giles' flat, to get to the bottom of the mystery. Spike was shameless in his self-admiration, Giles and Xander somewhat embarrassed, the girls intrigued and interested in having a peak. The girls went out to gather information, Buffy to bash up some sources, the other three to research at the Magic Box, and have sex during the break.

The boys remained at the flat, ostensibly to research but of course hanky panky ensued, causing Giles to scold his companions, for their less than helpful assistance, in solving the mystery, all the while, casting furtive glances towards the vampire, whose body he secretly admired for its compactness and musculature.

Then, the appearance of a mysterious man in black (well it is slimming and timeless), a ritual, some funny coloured smoke and suddenly everyone is doing what comes naturally, i.e. Willow, Tara and Anya were about to indulge in hot girl on girl at the Magic Box; Giles, Xander and Spike were going upstairs for some boy on boy on the watcher's bed; Buffy was about to get reacquainted with her vibrator; and the villain was laughing evilly to himself, as they do.

Read on…

The sounds from Giles' bedroom were getting loud and wet. The bed was groaning under the unaccustomed weight and wild movements it was now being subjected to, as the three men rolled and heaved and generally got into a tangle of legs, arms, cocks and tongues.

"Ow! Fuck, that hurts!" Xander pressed his body into the bed, trying to escape the fingers pushing into him.

"Shit! Fuck, fuck, fuck!" Spike jerked up from the bed and grabbed his head.

"Looks like you are on the bottom for this one, Spikie boy." Xander grinned wildly at Giles' comment.

"Fuck! Bloody story of my un fucking life! Fucking Initiative wankers. Fucking sex is supposed to be pleasurable. Why the fuck do I get zapped!"

"Shut up Spike. Xander lie on your back and the vampire can put his mouth to better use, while I see to his other end." Giles pushed Spike onto the supine Xander and directed himself to the task of preparing the way for his own release. Ripper had been wanting to put the little shit in his place for quite some time now and this was the perfect opportunity. He picked up the jar of Butterboy and looked at the pale globes presented so nicely, in front of him. A smile spread across his face.

…

The mats in the training room at the Magic Box were getting a workout of an entirely different nature than normal, though of course Willow and Tara had played a little earlier in the day. Sounds of desperate need filled the air. Mouths sucked, lips smacked, women groaned as pleasures intensified.

Tara was suckling strongly on one of Anya's breasts whilst kneading the other, with firm round strokes and occasionally flicking the nipple with her middle finger. Willow was ensconced between Anya's lovely legs, administering firm strokes of her tongue and the fingers of one hand, to Anya's very aroused sex. Her other hand slowly trailed up and down the sensitive skin that lead to the small brown pucker between Anya's cheeks, dizzily circling it, occasionally pressing into it.

"Oh, oh, oh." Anya arched up off the mats. She had quite forgotten the pleasure of lying with one's own sex. The gentle ferocity, the intimate knowledge of just what brought true pleasure to a woman. The attention her partners were lavishing on her at the moment, was bringing her to an orgasm that promised her heights not attained in her many couplings with Xander. Who'd have thought, a skillful tongue, combined with the gentle ministrations of a finger, could bring the sensations, and then some, of a man's cock.

…

Buffy had brought herself off with the vibrator three times, but it wasn't enough. Oh sure, she got the warm fuzzies but she was used to screaming, hard, spiraling orgasms that rolled on into a crescendo of wave after wave of utter pleasure. Spike might be a pig and a monster but he was a god in the sack! This was mere foreplay to her and left her wanting so much more.

She pulled the plug in the tub, stood and stepped out to reach for a towel to dry herself. It was time to get back out there, go see Willy, find out if he had heard anything and then go pick up Spike for patrol, … and, other things. She moaned in anticipation of the night ahead.

…

Greg Hill twisted around, in his circle of candles and reached past them to retrieve the items, sitting just outside the perimeter. "Now for the final touch." He smiled to himself as he placed the statue, the Drusy quartz and the vial of liquid, marked 'From the River Lethe', beside the bowl, and began to crumble the dried, shriveled satyr's penis, into the bowl.

"Oh great one, Faunas, grant me this night, that which my heart desires. Bring the one I yearn for, to a state of readiness." He sliced his other thumb and squeezed several drops of blood into the bowl. "Grant me my boon that I may have issue to carry on my name."

He picked up the vial and poured the liquid it contained, into the bowl. Again, a fine smoke began to curl and rise from the bowl, this time coloured the blue of Forget-Me-Nots. He added the quartz crystal and a deep glow of red suffused the already rising smoke. It moved to the centre of the blue cloud, looking like a misshapen heart. The smoke swirled lazily about him as he continued to chant, eyes closed, forehead creased in concentration and a thin bead of sweat gathering on his upper lip. The smoke spread through the room and began to seep out through the windows.

…

The door to Willy's bar slammed open and the Slayer stood, silhouetted in the dim light from outside. She was wearing the tight leather skirt and black boots again. Her little top barely met the band of the skirt and Willy could see flashes of sun tanned skin, in the gap that opened with her movements. He licked his lips in anticipation.

At the sound of the door opening, the bar descended into an anticipatory silence. Eyes turned toward the door and then hastily looked away as Buffy stood there, searching the room with a cold, calculating look. The chatter picked up quietly as she made her way to the bar.

"Ah, Slayer. I wasn't expecting to see you back here so soon. I mean, um, what are you doing here, Slayer? All peaceable as you can see. No trouble. Just a few demons, having a drink, playing a bit of cards." He nervously glanced round at his patrons, his face, glowing with a sweaty, glistening sheen. She didn't need to have a vampire's nose to smell the fear, underlying the little dweeb's sweat.

She leant against the bar, flinched back when she felt the wood touch her bare midriff and looked Willy in the eye, or tried to. As usual, the little weasel's eyes were darting all over the place, as his tongue crept out and licked his lips. Geez, why did she have to deal with low lives like this?

Willy leaned across the bar and spoke in a conspiratorial whisper. "Um, they haven't come in yet, Slayer. But ah, we could go out the back, you know, if you want to rough me up a bit." That tongue swiped across his thin lips again and a strange glint rose in his eyes. She almost thought she heard a bit of a groan in his voice. She reached across, grabbed the front of his shirt and tugged him further onto the surface of the bar between them. She definitely heard a groan that time.

"Willy, what are you playing at?"

"N-nothing, Slayer. Nothing at all. Just, you know, trying to be a good citizen."

She snorted at that. "Yeah, right. Model citizen, Willy. You'll be standing for town council next, I guess."

"No need to be like that Slayer. We all got to make a living. I'm just providing a service, an honest service. And I try to help you when I can. Always let you know when there's a new big bad in town."

"Yeah, after I slap you round a bit, Willy."

"Well, yeah." That damn lip lick thing, again. She really would love to rip his tongue out, but of course then he wouldn't be able to tell her anything. Hmm, maybe she could just get him to write it down. The thought of acting on this, sent a little shiver through her.

"Maybe we better step outside, Willy. I would be neglecting my duty, if I didn't thoroughly interrogate you."

Willy gave a definite moan at that. Wow, she thought, he really is afraid of me, though for some reason, it didn't look so much like fear on his face, as anticipation. She felt the blood rushing south, felt moistness gather in her panties, heard her own low moan.

…


	9. Chapter 9 - Love and Lust

**9. Love and Lust**

Previously on What the F…? Everyone is getting it on, the boys on Giles bed, Buffy in her bath and at Willy's, the other three girls on the mats in the training room at the Magic Box. Our big bad is doing some more chanting and smoke making.

Now read on…

Spike lay on his back, a pillow under his hips, his legs spread wide. He was in a delirium of sensations. His back arched in pleasure and need, head pressed back into the pillows, eyes closed, mouth open, low moans and the odd filthy word coming from it. Xander was latched onto one of his breasts, suckling like a babe that had not fed in an age all the while, fondling Spike's cock and balls with one hand and his own with the other. Giles was at the end of the bed, between his legs, lovingly preparing him with long, lubed fingers, that delved deep between the cheeks of his spread ass.

He felt the fingers withdraw and then a larger, rounder, hardness pressed against his entrance, seeking entry. He arched further back, pushed his thighs down and out, relaxed his inner muscles, opening himself to welcome the Watcher's, no, Rupert's, cock, into him. He felt the head nudge the outer ring, press forward; felt the stretch and burn as he was breached, opened, entered; felt his muscles protest the invasion before he could once again relax them, and accept Rupert into his body. As always, on a first encounter, he was tight, and even with the thorough, unexpected preparation, the first penetration was one of pain, overlaying an intense feeling of invasion, before his body conceded to his demands to relax, lay back and think of England. He groaned loudly at the sensation of being filled, of being possessed, of belonging.

Giles pushed in slowly until the long, full length of his cock was fully seated, and his balls hung against Spike's cool flesh. He paused, allowing his partner to adjust, feeling the walls around his member clenching hard and then opening, relaxing, welcoming him in. The channel was tight, virginal tight, causing the sweetest sensations to vibrate through his shaft. It had been so long since he had been with a man. He'd quite forgotten the intensity of it, the feeling of solid contact along the full length, that a young, virginal male's channel afforded. He raised an eye at the thought. Had Spike been a virgin when he was turned or had he not been with a male since his turning? He thought the former more likely.

With this thought in mind, he raised his hips, withdrew slowly, then pushed forward again, not quite as slow as the first entry, but carefully, never the less. He wanted to enjoy this, and, strangely, he wanted his partner to enjoy it as well. He rotated his hips a little as he pushed back in and was rewarded with a moan. He felt the walls around his cock loosen a little more; felt the quivering muscles in the thighs beneath, relax; felt the hips under him lift a little, to meet him. He withdrew again, a little quicker this time, drawing back almost to the tip and then pushed home, quicker, harder. He felt, rather than heard, the loud, deep moan of satisfaction, of need, from his partner, felt it vibrate through his body and meet his own, intense moan of pleasure and lust.

Spike opened his eyes, lifted his head and looked into Giles' eyes above him. They looked at each other as they continued to move together, Xander between them, running his hands and tongue over any part of either man, he could reach. His body was alive with sensation, every nerve singing with lust, with need, with a deep feeling of desire. He reached above him to grab at the rails in the headboard. His body arched as the cock within him, rubbed again and again against that little bundle of nerves given to every man. He rocked his hips up to meet every thrust and twist of the man above him. He was sure he'd never felt this wanted, this owned.

The three moved in a frenzy of desire, lust, need, causing the bed to rock loudly, against the wall. They were each of them, lost to the sensations coursing through their bodies. None of them noticed the blue mist that had seeped into the room, circled the bed, covering it and the men on it.

Giles felt his release building and slammed more frantically into Spike. The vampire's hips rose to meet every thrust, twisting and rotating to match his movements. The sensations coursing through his cock, radiated out through his body, making him groan at the feelings surging through him. He stared into those blue eyes, feeling himself falling into an abyss, where he existed only through his cock. He felt the tightness of the channel that surrounded it, clenching, sucking, drawing it in, the smoothness of the walls, the slide of the slick. He felt the essence that was him, coiling and building behind his balls. As he looked into Spike's eyes, he saw a strange red glow building in the iris' of the vampire.

Spike gasped and forced his hips up to meet Giles' downward strokes. He felt completed, whole, needed, wanted. He'd never felt like this before. He felt his channel clutch and release the cock that surged against his sweet spot over and over. He felt his, he would have said soul but that was wrong, obviously, his essence, his very being, being drawn into that spot, the watcher's cock lovingly rubbed. He stared into the blue eyes above him, except they were no longer entirely blue. There was a red glow shining around the pupils.

The two men called out in ecstasy as they climaxed together, Giles releasing warm, sticky fluids, deep within Spike and Spike releasing the same, all over Xander, who was still between them. Not to be left out, Xander released his own juices over Spike and the bed beneath them.

…

Willow moaned loudly as she lay back on the training room mats. It was her turn to have the attentions of her two partners, licking and sucking her body. Her lover, Tara, was ministering to the hot, wet core of her sex, while Anya worshiped her nipples with her tongue and teeth. Her arms were flung wide across the floor as she writhed to the sensations coursing through her. She couldn't ever have enough of this.

Tara sighed in total bliss and pushed her tongue further into Willow's centre, feeling the juices coat her chin. She sucked the hard nub into her mouth, pushed it against her teeth with the top of her tongue and felt Willow buck under her. Above her, she felt Anya moving over her lover's body and she reached a hand towards Anya's core. She was rewarded with a loud moan and felt a wet release coat her fingers. She'd never known such utter freedom and love.

Anya felt herself exploding around Tara's fingers. She released the nipple she had been teasing between her teeth and turned to take Willow's mouth in a hard and passionate kiss, as her body shuddered out her orgasm. Their tongues twined round each other, tasting, exploring. Willow tensed before she found her own release, her juices coating Tara's face, still buried deep between her legs.

Tara drank in Willow's fluids, her tongue laving at the pulsing inner walls. She felt her own slipperiness gather deep inside herself, as her partners shuddered their releases, above and under her. She felt Willow move, felt her arms reaching for her, and she lifted her head, her face shining and wet. Willows arms slid under hers and pulled her up towards the other two. Anya joined in and soon the three of them were face to face, kissing, licking, sucking as they rolled and writhed on the floor. Fingers entered wet curls, stroked quivering raw lips, sensitive hoods, even more sensitive cores.

The three moved as one, seemingly beginning where another finished, indistinguishable, joined together in all the right places and the sounds of sex ebbed and flowed through the subtly tinted blue mist that seeped through the training room and hovered over the trio on the mats.

…

Buffy shoved Willy's smirking face back, away from her. She crouched a little and then sprang up and over the bar, swinging her legs out sideways as she cleared it, to land softly on the floor beside the open mouthed bar owner. She grabbed him by the ear and dragged him along behind her, as she stalked toward the back room.

"Agh, agh! Slayer, easy on the ear." Willy groaned in pain. It was exquisite! The Slayer's tiny hand gripped his ear with the precision and pain of a steel clamp. God, what would she do to his nipples, with those hands. He just knew it would be better than any nipple clamp he'd ever worn.

The Slayer dragged her informant through into the back room, turned, and slammed the door shut. The patrons seated around the bar tables, had watched this happen, following the action avidly and now most stared at the closed door. As one they turned to the others they were with and began low conversations.

"Ten kittens we don't see the little human again."

"I'll take that. The Slayer doesn't kill humans. She might rough him up a bit though. Five kittens she breaks a leg."

They started arguing amongst themselves. Chairs were pushed back, demon, shoved demon. A couple of the smarter ones started towards the bar, to help themselves. The door to the back room opened and Buffy stepped out into the main room.

"Okay everyone. If you want to leave here tonight in one piece, you'll all sit quietly and carry on doing what you were doing, before I came in. Unless it was bad, then, you know, don't carry on doing it. And no freebies either." She glared at the two demons standing at the end of the bar. They held up their hands and backed away. With a final glaring sweep of the room, she turned, went back into the back room and closed the door.

Willy stood where she had left him, in the middle of the space. He licked his lips, eyes glinting strangely in the light from the bare bulb, overhead. She looked around the room at the bottle stacked shelves, cartons stacked against the wall, scarred, messy desk at the back. She shook herself and wondered what the heck she was doing there.

"Um, Slayer?" Her eyes came back to her 'source' and suddenly she didn't want to be there at all. He disgusted her and she didn't want to be around him a minute longer. If she stayed, she knew she would pull that revolting tongue clean out of his head. She turned toward the door.

"Ah, Slayer? Aren't you going to rough me up a bit? Find out what I know? Maybe smack me around?"

She stopped, drew in a breadth, felt her shoulders tense, lift. She spun and punched the man in the face and was turning back to the door before he'd even hit the back wall. She opened the door, left the room, stalked through the bar without so much as a glance at anyone and left. She knew what she needed, or rather who.

Willy slid to the floor, shook his head, felt the side of his face where he knew a shiner was beginning to build. Blood was beginning to trickle from the split lip and the back of his head felt quite tender, where it had hit the wall. Bitch! A smile stretched across his face. "Thanks, Slayer. See you next time."

…

The smoke had entirely left the room, the flames in the bowl had died away and the candles were beginning to splutter, as they burned down toward nothing. The man calling himself, Greg Hill, better known to the world as Ethan Rayne, chaos mage extraordinaire, sat in the centre of the circle. His shoulders were slumped, his head hanging down. The spell had taken quite a bit from him, more than he had expected. He felt the bone weariness of his limbs, knew that, at the moment, his legs would not support him, if he tried to stand.

So he sat, staring at the floor, the statues of Faunas and Silenus standing in front of him. His thoughts ran ahead to the ultimate fruition of his plans, and a thin smile began to spread across his lips. It wouldn't be long now and he would have what he'd so long wanted. He would have his revenge on Ripper, for abandoning him.

Some movement caught the corner of his eye and he looked up. Was it his imagination that the two statues now appeared to be looking at each other? Had the expression on their hard faces changed? Surely the light was playing tricks on him. They weren't really smiling at each other, were they? He had not as yet, noticed the dark shadow growing, in the far corner of the room.

…


	10. Chapter 10 - Afterglow

Previously on What the F…? Full on sex for Giles and Spike with a side of Xander

The mats in the Magic Box get a workout like they've never had before, as the girls bring each other off. Buffy smacks Willy about and realises she wants something else entirely and leaves to find it. Our Big Bad was revealed, or was he?

Read on…

Spike lay back on the damp, soiled sheets of Rupert's bed. The room stank of sweat, lust, sex and repletion. His body hummed pleasantly. He'd been filled and used, by the watcher, with a tenderness he'd never before, felt. Not directed _towards_ him, at least. He wasn't sure how he felt about that. He'd always been about the tender, himself. But it had always been him, giving, caring, for his partner, loving them. He'd been that way with Dru, before he'd been taught how to act like a proper demon, by Angelus. He'd still felt the tenderness after, Angelus' lessons, but he'd learned to be careful when and how, he showed it. He felt that way about Buffy, wanted to be tender for her, with her. Wasn't allowed to show it, though. Not if he wanted to be with her. No, Buffy wasn't about the tender.

He'd wanted the watcher, tonight. No doubt about it. He'd have liked to have been the one taking, but he was just as happy, perhaps more so, that the watcher had had him, instead. After all, he'd been well trained, back in the day, to accept the domination of an older male. Besides, sex was sex and he'd needed to be inside someone or have someone inside him, this night. Quite desperately needed it, in fact. Pity the boy had been a virgin. He could have done without the head ache, from his aborted attempt at taking him, and he knew the boy would have howled sweetly for him. He was pretty sure that Rupert was no virgin, in that respect.

His two 'partners' were asleep beside him. Bloody humans. No stamina! He still felt antsy, needful, despite their fun. Maybe because of it. Vampire appetites were insatiable, in all ways. His climax had been wonderful, reaching heights he rarely climbed these days, even with Buffy. Probably not since that first night, in the old building, when she had climbed him and given him what he'd lusted for, dreamed of, but never expected to attain.

Still, for him, the night so far was an appetiser. Another reason he and Buffy were so good together. They could go all night. He scratched his chest. Hmm, were his breasts smaller? He lifted his head, looked down at them. The nipples were standing erect from his small attentions. Each mound was still more than a handful. He wished he had a reflection, so that he could study them.

"Wonder if the watcher's got one of them self-developing cameras." He snorted at the thought. Memories of he and Dru welled up. At a carnival somewhere in Nebraska, if he remembered rightly. She'd eaten a boy who'd carried a Polaroid camera round his neck. They'd documented the rest of the night with it. Talk about candid camera. He heaved a sigh. Those days were gone. He knew it. He wouldn't go back to that, even if the chip came out tomorrow. He'd changed, wanted more from life, wanted more than existence. Wanted to be part of something.

His idly playing hand drifted lower, to his now rigid shaft. He looked at the two men who lay on the bed beside him, as he stroked and pulled, ran a finger across the opening. The boy gave a loud snort and rolled onto his back, mouth open, drool sliding from the corners. Lovely! God, bloody humans could be so gross. His eyes moved down Xander's body. The boy was in pretty good shape. All the sex with demon girl was obviously doing him good.

Bugger, but he was hung like a horse. Could just about give Angelus a run for his money. No wonder the bird went on about it. He was glad that it hadn't been pushed inside him, tonight. It'd been a long time since he'd allowed another male to have him. Something that big, would have torn him for sure, no matter the preparation beforehand. The boy could suck though. His nipples still throbbed from the workout they'd been given. The kid was no slouch with a hand job either. Dru never got him off like that. Buffy either, for that matter. Probably had a lot of practice, keeping that huge todger happy.

He looked at the watcher who lay on his side, his arm across Spike's belly, breathing out small, soft snores. Solidly asleep. For an older guy, his body was in remarkably good shape. He had a lovely cock, too. Not a monster like Harris', but big enough to more than get the job done. As the tingling of stretched muscles in his ass, reminded him. Yes, old Rupes had hidden depths and he hoped they might plumb those depths, a little more, together. The man looked done in at the moment, though.

With a sigh, he gently moved the watcher's arm, slid to the end of the bed and stood. He supposed he'd just have to get himself off and he thought, the shower would be a rather pleasant place to do it. He didn't notice the blue mist that swirled around him, a pale glow in the dim light of the room.

…

At the Magic Box, the smell of sex, hung heavy in the air of the training room. The sounds of quiet breathing echoed through it, accompanied by the occasional snore. Willow, Tara and Anya were soundly asleep, bodies well used, sated, in every way. Stretched out, on the now, rather damp, training mats, sweat and other fluids drying on their skin, they lay wrapped in each other's arms.

Their long hair fanning out, around their heads, their naked bodies bathed in soft blue light, they were the stuff of a Botticelli painting or perhaps, a Leonardo Da Vinci sketch. Small smiles played across their debauched mouths, as dreams of sex and lust, filled their heads. Soft sighs, low moans, drifted from open lips, as the replays of their night's activities, flitted through their sleep. The hazy mist, which had lain upon them during their almost frantic coupling, curled and writhed in the air about them.

…

Buffy stood on the step, outside the closed door of Willy's bar, and sighed. There were three vampires standing in front of her. Damn! She was on the hunt for vampire, but one specific vampire, not these three rejects from a jock club. Please, just run away, she thought to herself.

"Slayer!" The biggest one sneered out, falling into a fighting stance. His two companions did look as though they'd much prefer to run. Fear flitted through their eyes as they realised that now, they had to stay and back up their pack leader.

She sighed again. "Slayee," she retorted, less than enthusiastically. She didn't have time for this, but, it was her duty, she supposed. They were so going to pay, for interrupting her plans. A faint red glow coloured the irises of her eyes. Yes, they were going to pay, slowly and painfully. She reached for her stake, in its place at the centre of her back, where it lay, tucked in the waist band of her slacks.

…

"I did it my way." Spike's voice rang through the bathroom, as he stood in the shower, belting out his favourites. He was torturing himself as he sang. Washing his body with long, slow movements. Stroking his chest, down his abdomen, swirling the soapy cloth in his hand, into his navel, following the trail of light brown hairs down toward the nest of curls at his groin. He brushed the top of his weeping cock, lost the track of the song for a moment, as he moaned at the sensations that ran through his body.

He skirted his shaft and moved down his thighs, caressing, rubbing, cleaning, teasing. The song was forgotten now, replaced by groans and sighs. His mouth open, sounds of want and need echoed in the small room, as he worked himself into a state of heightened arousal. His hand moved the cloth to his ass, circling his cheeks lovingly, working into his crack, cleaning away the remains of the night's exertions. His tongue licked across his bottom lip, curled behind his teeth. The muscles in his thighs quivered. The scent of his arousal filled his nostrils.

He didn't hear the front door open and slam shut. He didn't hear the sound of zippers opening, boots dropping to the floor, followed by other things. He didn't hear the stealthy footsteps coming in his direction, the sounds of someone else in the bathroom, on the other side of the curtain. He didn't see the arm rise high in the air, a dark shadow on the plastic shower curtain. He didn't sense the danger, until the curtain was torn from the rail, as a body hurtled itself at him.

…

The sound of a flute began to fill the parlour of the old house by the sea. The music was soft, lilting, and wistfully sad. Greg Hill or rather, Ethan Rayne, raised his heavy head, opened his eyes, to peer into the darkness that surrounded him. All of the candles had burned out now and the outside light was held at bay, by the closed shutters. The room felt damp and chilly, as though the mist that curled through the undergrowth of the long neglected garden, had seeped in to it, to cover everything contained within it.

He shivered as he looked about. He could see nothing in the blackness, no variation in the air that surrounded his small circle of magic. A small, soft glow began to grow in front of where he sat, spreading out towards him. He turned to look into it. The two statues before him had changed positions. Now, the renditions of Silenus and Faunus, the ancient gods of pleasure, lust and fertility, among other things, appeared to be kissing, arms wrapped around each other. His mind babbled in confusion. This had not been part of the spell. He didn't understand it at all.

The music rose, filling the room. The instrument producing it was not a flute, though it sounded a bit like one. He wasn't sure what it was, but the memory of it struggled to surface. He knew this music. He knew this mournful melody. He felt a sadness and longing, blossoming in his chest. Loves lost. He knew that feeling. He'd lost his love, the man he'd once thought would be his partner for life; in crime; in chaos; in magic; in everything. It's why he was here; sitting on this hard floor, beseeching Roman gods of old, to return what was once his.

He felt the magic swirling around him. Flames burst to life in the bowl still sitting in the centre of the circle. The puddles of burned down wax glowed to life. The crystal in the bottom of the bowl began to glow and release a red mist that rose, slowly, sensuously into the air. It spread around the man sitting on the floor, warming him. His mind drifted, his eyes losing focus so that the bowl and the things around it began to shimmer and lose their hard edges.

He realised the two small statues were now moving, writhing together as they continued to kiss. They were growing larger and he could see their aroused cocks, rubbing against each other as the bodies rocked and moved in a parody of sex. He could see the tongues entering the other's mouth; see the hands roam the other's body, cupping arses, probing between cheeks. They sank to the floor, still joined by mouth and hand and one mounted the other.

He felt his own shaft stir and become engorged. Felt his hands move to it without conscious thought. Moaned as they began to knead him through his clothing.

Behind him, floor boards creaked and the sound of hooves scraping on the wooden surface could be heard, over the pipes of Pan. The gods had come to Sunnydale!

…


	11. Chapter 11 - In the Bathroom

Previously on What the F…? Spike leaves his sleeping lovers to go shower and bring himself off. The girls sleep, sated, on the training room floor. The Slayer slays. The big bads taunt each other. Wait, did I say bads plural? Hmm the plot thickens. And, who has got Spike in the bathroom?

Now read On…

One minute he'd been showering, happily teasing his body into a red hot haze of desire and lust, the next a plastic wrapped missile had launched itself at him.

"Aghh. Bloody hell! Watch the bloody head." Spike reached up to rub the injured body part, where it had smacked into the bathroom wall as his body hurtled backwards, driven by the force of his attacker's momentum. "'S only one I got, ya daft…"

A fist slammed into his nose. "Don't be such a baby!"

"Ow, fuck, ow. Not the bloody nose, again!" He was silenced by a mouth descending onto his, lips parted, tongue already darting out to seek entry. He groaned. "Slayer."

His only answer was two hands wrapping themselves around his head and neck, to bring him forward into the kiss. He groaned into the open mouth as he brought his hands up, only to have them tangle in the torn curtain. He pulled at the plastic, pushing it out over the floor as he felt the slippery nakedness of his partner's body, press into his.

Her arms moved behind his neck and she used them to support her climb up his body. She wrapped her legs around his waist, used one hand to grab his shaft and direct it, as she lowered herself onto him. Spike stopped moving to look up into her face. He would never get enough of this and every time she took him, he loved her more, wanted her more. He turned them so that she was against the wall.

The warm water of the shower cascaded over them as he thrust up to meet her every downward glide. They were both of them, hungry for the other. Their coupling was hard and fast, nothing gentle between them. Lust pervaded every particle of their existence. They needed to be joined, to be in each other, in every way. They needed it more than life and they needed it now.

He smelt her gathering climax, felt the throb of his own. His face shifted and he bent to her neck. As they reached their completion, he let his fangs slide into her neck, tasted the tang of her blood. He felt her teeth tear into his neck, felt the slow pulse of his blood leaving his body. Their bodies shook as they climaxed together, joined at neck and groin, exchanging blood and other fluids.

As the vibrations slowed and they disengaged, he let his face slide back into human, while she gulped in air. The water that still splashed over their nakedness was turning chilly. He released her from his arms and she slid to her feet, beside him. She ran a hand across his breasts, teasing his nipples, still standing hard and erect. He groaned. She turned and shut off the shower.

As she turned back to him, her fist flew out to connect with his nose. Again! "You fucking bit me! You bastard!" He stumbled backwards over the edge of the bath and fell on his ass, on the floor of the bathroom.

"You bit me! Bitch!" He glared up at her as she stood, hands on hips, staring down at him. His eyes travelled down to her hands, on those very naked, very delectable hips. Before she could lift a foot to step out onto the floor, he was on his feet and kissing her. A long, gentle kiss, which stole her breath. She returned it tenfold. His arms went round her and he lifted her onto the floor beside him.

They stood in the centre of the room, devouring each other, hands roaming across naked flesh, kneading, pinching, squeezing. He picked her up, carried her to the bench the basin sat in. Placing her on it, he entered her wet folds again, as he licked and sucked her neck. She rocked her head back, drawing in oxygen and moaning as his lips and teeth sent shards of lightning through her body. She clenched and released her inner muscles, working his cock as he worked her centre.

Again, as they neared completion, they found each other at the other's throat, teeth sinking into willing flesh. The room filled with the sounds of slapping flesh, grunts and groans and the sly sucking of blood. Again, they climaxed together on a sea of cum and blood.

"Oh god, Buffy, Buffy! I love you. God I love you so much." He nuzzled her ear as he came down from his orgasm, still tasting her blood.

"Spike. More, please more. Oh god, I need you. Please." She pushed up into his arms and he toppled backwards to land on the bathroom floor. She sat up, still impaled on his cock and began to ride him, her head tossed back in an ecstasy of feeling. His hands moved to her hips and helped guide her, his hips rising to meet her. She leant forward and her hair dragged across his nipples and the sensations drove him to a frenzy of desire. He arched up into her, felt her hands running across his chest; let his wander the landscape of her body.

Again their bodies were brought to the point of climax. Again, as he released deep inside her, he let his fangs sink into her willing flesh, felt the power of her blood slide down his throat, even as she responded with her own bite. As they shuddered together, teeth withdrew and each nuzzled the other, both panting from their exertions. He slid his arms around her as she lay her head on his chest, between those magical breasts.

His hands mapped her body, like a cartographer, taking in every nook and canny, every bump and hollow. The fire he felt for her burned as bright as it ever had. He wanted to write an Iliad to her beauty… Did she just snort? Bloody bitch. Was she reading his mind now?

"What's so funny?"

"It's just really weird playing with a woman's breasts while having sex."

"Well, if you're goin' to laugh at me, then you can…"

"Shh. I wasn't laughing at you, Spike. Just, well, you gotta agree it's a bit weird. Women's breasts on a man. A man I'm having sex with, on the bathroom floor of my watcher and surrogate father."

"Is that what you think? I'm a… I'm a man?"

"Well obviously male, except, you know, for those." She pointed at the offending objects. "Though I do find them strangely alluring."

Spike ran his hands across his breasts. Was a bit strange, especially when Buffy had sucked them. The sensations were extraordinary. He took her small hands in his and laid them on his breasts. She took the invitation and began to play with them. He laid his head back on the mat under them, feeling the sensations wash through him, from her ministrations.

She bent her mouth to Spike's nipples, tonguing them, drawing them up between her teeth, to suck and nibble. He arched under her, letting out a moan.

"God, Buffy! Do that again." She complied, sucking the nipple and aureole into her mouth, sucking hard. She felt his hand move to her groin. His fingers began to trace her nether lips. She moaned in response and felt him shiver at the sensation. Cool fingers entered her hot, wet core, pressing inward. Tickling at her hood, sending frissons of electricity through her body. She moaned again; bit harder.

"Fuck! Fuck, oh fuck! What you do to me woman! God! I can't get enough of you, enough of this." He flipped them over and entered her almost simultaneously. She lifted her hips to meet him, feeling the mat ruck under her, digging into her back. She sort his mouth with hers. They began rutting as though their very existence depended on it.

"Buffy, So tight, so beautiful. Squeeze me, drain me!" He'd always been vocal when they'd fucked. She sorta liked it. The words could be filthy but he made them sound like he was worshiping her. She guessed that is exactly what he'd been doing. It's was certainly what he was doing now. He drove into her with a relentless pace that left her a little breathless as she matched each stroke with her own. She could feel him deep inside her and she arched her back, tipped her pelvis just a little as she wrapped her legs around his, taking him even deeper.

She reached for his ass, digging her fingers in, urging him on. The feeling inside her built, she was so close. He head thrust back, eyes closed in deep concentration, savouring the moment. She heard a ripple, opened her eyes to golden ones looking back at her. She stretched her head back, baring her neck again. Inviting him in. As he bent to her neck, fangs bared, she raised her mouth to his. They peaked together, his hot semen shooting deep within her womb.

"Um, Spike?" She lay stretched out on the floor beside him, spent, sated. He lifted an eyebrow in question, grunted a query.

"How come your, um, your cum is so warm? I mean I know it's never been cold, more luke warmy sort of, but I just realised, it was almost hot."

"Don't know Slayer. Been a fuckin' weird day all round."

"Yeah. Surely has," she sighed out.

…

Ethan Rayne lay spent, on the floor of the parlour, still within his circle of magic. Outside it, the two figures writhed together, in a parody of sex. Their hooves danced across the floor, tap dancing on the wood.

"Five times he will couple. Five times he will come. On the sixth, the task will be done."

…

"S'pose we should get off this floor before you catch cold or something." He lay on his side, looking at her, his fingers idly tracking up and down her side. He skin shivered at the touch. "See, your gettin' a chill."

"It's not the cold, Spike. It's you. I don't know how, but you play me like a musical instrument or something."

"You're just so responsive. Your body is so electric." He rolled over to press his lips, gently, against hers. She opened her mouth and their tongues twined together. He rolled he on top of him, arms encircling her tiny waist. "Love you so much, Buffy."

She kissed him, deeply, her hands running up his arms. "Spike, Spike. I, god, I want you. So much. I love being with you. Like, like this." He paused to stare up into her face. He couldn't quite believe she'd just said that. She smiled down at him, bent down and resumed kissing him.

This time, their movements were slow, languid. His hands moved over her body with a gentle pressure, kneading lightly, moving on, stroking, igniting. She sat up, her hands under his breasts, supporting her as she lifted. He moved his hands to her hips, helping her, guiding her. His shaft stood, wet and glistening, welcoming her wet lips as she slid down, sheathing him inside her. Slowly, oh so slowly, she began to move again, watching him, looking deep into his eyes. So blue, so very blue, filled with emotion. Adoration, wonder, want, need, love. She saw it all. Accepted it. Knew it was all for her. She felt her heart beating, felt the blood rushing through her veins. Felt his cock sliding against her walls, angling to her very centre. Felt it brush against that spot within her.

He looked up into the face of the goddess that rode him. Looked into her hazel eyes and saw his reflection. Saw his white shock of hair, his pale skin. Saw his lips open, heard the moans coming from them. He felt her heart beat, heard the blood racing through her veins, smelt her orgasm approaching. Felt something…

"Buffy, Buffy, Buffy!" His very essence was pooling in his groin. The love he felt for this woman was a physical presence in his chest. He could feel the blood moving through his body, towards their connection. He felt the slow rhythm of his own heart join her faster one. "Buffy, I love you. I love you more than life!"

"I love you, Spike. I love you. I want you. I want all of you. I want to be yours." They crested and it went on and on. The heat between them building until it was released one to the other. "You're mine and I'm yours, Spike."

"Yours Buffy. I'm yours and you're mine." They both bit again, drawing the other's blood and swallowing as their bodies shook. They collapsed together, spent.

…


	12. Chapter 12 - The Morning After

Previously on What the F…? Spike and Buffy playing in the bathroom, a lot. Strange demi-gods dancing and chanting. Scoobies sleeping unawares. Willy probably dreaming of the slayer in leather boots and riding crop.

Read on…

Giles groaned himself awake. As awareness seeped into his sleep addled brain, he felt the stiffness of age, joined by fresh bruises and sore muscles. He'd obviously been active sometime last night. He stretched his legs toward the end of the bed and spread his arms across the bed.

"Bloody hell. What the…" He sat up in a rush, looking toward the body lying beside him. The naked body of a young, dark headed male. A body that was also rousing from sleep, stretching muscles, emitting soft groans as it did so. "My god! Xander! What, what are you doing in my bed?"

Xander lifted his head and stared through dull eyes, at the incredulous face of Giles. His eyes tracked down the man's bare chest, noticing the grey hairs that led down between his nipples, past his belly button to his … Xander jerked away and off the bed in one movement.

"Giles! You're, you're… you aren't dressed!" As he said this Xander looked down at his own body and groaned loudly. "I'm not dressed! You're, I'm, we're… Why are we in bed together? With, with no clothes on?"

Giles in the mean time was looking on the bedside chest for his glasses. He found them, went to put them on and realised they were quite grimy. He reached for the edge of the sheet that was hanging off the bed. As he pulled it towards him he caught a scent of, well, sex. The nights exertions came slamming back to him. He felt the blood drain from his face as he remembered what he had done the previous evening and more to the point, who he had done it with.

He looked up into the face of the boy standing at the foot of his bed. Xander was obviously having his own memory recall, if the look on his face and the open mouth were anything to go by.

"Oh my god. We, you, I , Spike… I kissed Spike and his…" Xander dropped to the floor in a dead faint.

"That boy is such a drama queen." Giles sighed. He looked down at the glasses in his lap and then noticed something had changed from yesterday. He got up from the bed and went to his dresser. He looked at himself in the mirror, running his hands across his chest as he did so. His flat, completely male, chest. "Thank god. No undergarment shopping will be needed after all."

He turned as he heard Xander groan. The boy was coming out of his faint. He did look decidedly pale though. A quick inspection of his chest showed that he too was returned to the physique of a man. Giles let out a breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding. He was relieved that whatever spell had been used to alter their physical appearance yesterday, was no longer in effect. At the moment anyway. They would still need to get to the bottom of it though. Obviously some strong magics had been in play and they needed to find out who had been responsible and make sure the mischief was at an end.

Then of course there was the other matter to consider. The three of them, Xander, Spike and himself having sex. Here. On his bed. He could see the vampire under him, legs drawn up and held wide, inviting Giles in. He felt his cock, already waving in its morning ritual, harden as he remembered the smooth, white skin beneath him. Remembered the cool, tight channel, so hard to breach but which had then opened and grasped him, greedily sucking him in. "Bloody hell," he whispered to himself. He needed the bathroom. He went to the door and took his robe from the hook. As he put it on, he looked down at Xander. The boy was still on the floor, his arm flung across his face. He was mumbling something to himself over and over. Giles left the room and headed down the stairs.

…

Willow opened her eyes to an unfamiliar ceiling above her and a less than comfortable mattress under her. Tara was softly snoring in her arms, her head on Willow's chest. Willow felt sticky and stiff, like she'd slept in an uncomfortable position all night. She shifted a leg and kicked someone in the face.

"Heh! Watch it!" Anya sat up, angrily pushing the foot away from her. She looked down toward her feet and into the eyes of the red headed girl that was laying beside them. For a moment a look of confusion crossed her face, then as memory returned, a huge grin spread there. Willow lifted her head and looked into that grin and saw…, everything. In her head, she replayed what the two of them had gotten up to, last night. Her mouth dropped open. She couldn't believe what her mind was saying. She was in a committed relationship with Tara and yet she and Anya had been intimate with each other. They'd gone down on each other. She'd pressed her tongue and her fingers into Anya's… omg and Anya had … into her… She sat up, forgetting that Tara was lying on her.

Tara slipped off Willow onto the mats under them and woke as her head hit the canvas surface. She stretched languidly, her body tingled with the pleasant, achy feel of satiety. She opened her eyes and looked up at her lover. "W-willow? W-what's w-w-wrong?" Then she noticed Anya sitting at the foot of the bed, no the training room mats, they were lying on. Last night tumbled into her with a jolt and she joined Willow in a mouth open, staring sightlessly, look of astonishment, as the night's escapades ran through her mind.

…

Giles turned the handle on the bathroom door and pushed it open as he moved forward. The door met with resistance and he banged his nose on it when it abruptly stopped moving. He pushed harder. The door opened half way and he stepped through the opening. He immediately wished he hadn't. He stood, just inside the bathroom, gaping like an idiot, at the pair on the floor in front of him. Buffy was lying, naked, on top of an also naked Spike! Jealousy slammed through him. It was a visceral thing, curled and weighty in his gut. He staggered under its influence. He tried to tear his eyes from the pair but, like an alcoholic staring at a full bottle, he could only look harder, record the details, torment himself.

Spike's feet lay either side of Buffy's much smaller ones, their legs slightly tangled, spread open a little. Her smooth tan skin set off the almost pearlescent, paleness of Spike's. His eyes travelled up, over the globes of the girl's ass to Spike's arms, folded protectively, possessively, around Buffy's waist. Some information filtering through his brain pulled him back down to Buffy's bottom. He could see the shadow of Spike's curly hairs between their legs; see that the vampire was still embedded in his slayer. He could see the sticky residue that covered both their thighs. He wanted to close his eyes. He couldn't. A strange whimper travelled up his throat and released into the bathroom air. Air that he now realised, was heavy with the smells of sex.

Rage rose in his chest like bile. He dragged his eyes up their bodies. Buffy's head lay nestled under Spike's chin, her face turned to the side, eyes closed in slumber. Her long, golden hair splayed out behind her, covering the vampire's creamy skin. Gile's eyes were pulled to the side of her neck. She'd been marked. His breath hitched in his throat as his eyes moved up toward the vampire's face. He lay with his head turned to the side and there on the side of his neck, the blood stood out so brightly, on its white canvas. An irregular, bitten mess, framed quite clearly, by the indent of human teeth. Bitten, marked!

Giles stood, staring at them, watching the bodies rise and fall as they breathed. He'd never noticed that Spike breathed so much when he was asleep. He should have been still as a corpse but, like everything else about the vampire, even in sleep he had to be different; he couldn't conform. As the watcher stood struggling to control himself, to tamp down the emotions roiling through him, he heard a faint noise behind him, then the bathroom light flicked on, framing the scene before him in a stark, unrelenting glare.

"Holy crap!" Xander stumbled back into the room behind him, his eyes burning a picture into his brain, that effectively shoved out, the confusing images of the night before. Giles had instinctively turned toward the presence behind him, saw the look of horror and something else on the boy's face. He thought his own probably looked something similar. He turned back toward the bathroom floor. The pair laying there, had both woken at the sound of Xander's voice and were now staring into each other's eyes. Giles couldn't see Buffy's face, of course, but the vampire's was a picture of rolling emotions.

Surprise, awe, satisfaction, lust all rolled across it. Something else that Giles, didn't believe, didn't want to see, even if he did. Love. They stared at each other as Giles stood, staring down at them. Suddenly, Buffy let out a shout and tore herself from the vampire's arms, springing to her feet in a blink and stood balanced on her toes, staring at the wall in front of her. Spike pushed himself up onto his elbows.

"Um, Slayer…" Spike stopped speaking and went back to staring, emotions still chasing each other across his face. There was fear in the mix now. His breathing hitched and stopped as he stared up into Buffy's face. Then his gaze moved slightly to see Giles standing behind her. His eyes widened, mouth opening just a little, as surprise now opened his face. He scooted up to a sitting position, drew his legs in towards his body, hiding himself. "Watcher… Fancy seeing you here." He ran his hand through the stark white curls that covered his head.

At that, Buffy whirled around, saw Giles standing behind her and behind him she could see Xander, staring at her, his mouth hanging open, his eyes wide, accusing; disbelieving; judging. Her hand flew to her mouth. She looked around the room, leant over and grabbed a towel from the rack on the wall. Wrapping herself in it she turned back to the vampire on the floor, preparing to unleash a tirade in his direction. His chest, his pale, beautiful, muscular chest caught her attention.

"Your, your breasts are gone." Images of those breasts flashed through her mind as she said this. She remembered sucking them, licking and teasing the nipples with her tongue. She remembered how hard they felt in her mouth, how her tongue tickled against the hard nubs of his aureoles. How he had moaned and arched up into her mouth, all the while running his hands up and down her body, reaching between her legs to tweak and pull at her raised centre.

Spike looked down at his chest, smirked, ran a hand across the returned contours, stopped to pinch a nipple. "Hmmm. Yeah, love, that they have." She moaned softly to herself as she followed the movements of his hand. He looked up at her again, that smile playing across his lips. That knowing smile. She knew he was scenting her awakening arousal, tasting the memory of the growing wetness between her legs.

"What happened to your neck?" As she said this, scenes from last night began to play across her mind. The growing warmth between her legs died away as she flashed through the things they had done, she had done. He had done! Her hand flew to her neck, came away sticky, with dried flakes of … She lifted her head and her eyes bore into Spike's. His flew open.

"Now, Slayer. It wasn't, I didn't… . You did it too, pet, ah…, I mean… You bloody bitch! You bit me!"

"You bit me! You bit me you bastard!" She looked around for wood, any wood. Spike jumped to his feet in a sinuous flash of movement, pressed himself back into the wall, balanced, looking around for escape.

"You bit me and you, we… over and … oh god." She looked up as though an answer to her predicament might be dangling from the light fixture above her. Spike took the opportunity to run past her, banging into Giles as he went through the door, causing the man to hit his head on the door frame. Pain exploded in Spike's head but he ignored it and pressed on only to slam into the boy, still standing like a stunned mullet, in the kitchen. Another burst of pain lanced through him and he felt the nausea rising in response. He fought it down, continued moving towards escape.

As he reached for the handle of the front door, he grabbed at his coat hanging on the rack beside it. Swirling the leather over him, he threw the door open and dashed out into the bright sunlight. It was a bit of a run to the manhole cover, in the street outside Giles' flat, but he'd done it before, usually with a few more clothes on. And boots. He felt the flames licking along his feet as he hurled the cover across the street and dropped into the welcoming darkness below.

…


	13. Chapter 13 - Consequences

Previously on What the F…? The Scoobies all woke up in various states of compromise and dazedness, after their hot night of lust and sex. Spike and Buffy were discovered en-flagrante, in the bathroom of Giles flat, by none other than the watcher and the whelp. In the glare of discovery, Buffy, in her very own sweet, inimitable style, turned on her bathroom partner and Spike fled the scene, with something fluttering, though obviously, not his virtue. I'll give you a clue, he wasn't wearing any pants.

Now read on…

The Scoobies were once again, gathered in Giles flat. The babble of their conversations droned through the open room and drifted up the stairs, to the bedroom. Giles had retreated there to dress, before they got into comparing notes and deciding on a course of action. He was currently searching the room for any signs of a mystical nature that did not belong there. It had been a strange and difficult morning since he had awoken, in a shocked daze.

It had been for all of them. There was a great deal of awkwardness amongst them, as they each re-lived the previous night's activities. Thoughts of what they had all been up to were confusing and upsetting and they struggled to search for an answer as to why they had acted as they had.

Giles stood up from his futile search under the bed and sat on it. He ran his hands through his hair, took his glasses off, realised he had no handkerchief to perform his usual thinking ritual and instead dropped his head into his hands. He'd had sex with Spike. My god, he'd willingly sunk into that cool channel, ran his hands across the silky pale skin, kissed him with ardour. Not since, well, not since his youth, since Ethan had beguiled him, had he been with another man. He'd not even been tempted in that direction.

He acknowledged to himself, that he'd glanced, once or twice at the vampire, admired the body on such open display, in the skin tight uniform the vampire insisted on wearing. But still, nothing would have led him to believe that he would ever habour a desire to be closer to the creature. He had no understanding of how he could have even thought about touching the monster that was Spike.

An image of the vampire and Buffy, lying naked, entwined, on his bathroom floor, flooded into his mind and he felt a rising flare of jealousy run through his body. This was intolerable! He could not believe that he wanted the little bastard; was almost homicidally jealous of Buffy over him. He could still feel the hot desire that had driven through him, to wrest the girl from the vampire's arms and throw her across the room, whilst yelling something like _'get your hands off MY vampire'_ when he had seen them, there on his bloody bathroom floor! Such jealous rage had never visited him before. Why was it doing so now? Where was it coming from? Why did he want the vampire like he had wanted no other?

...

The Scoobies had subsided into silence. The conversation had been awkward and stilted to say the least. Anya and Xander sat at opposite ends of the sofa. Both were staring at the floor in front of them, silently. Xander was in a funk, with thoughts of pale skin running through his head. He wasn't as shocked as he thought he should be, or as disgusted for that matter. Whatever had been influencing them last night, he remembered the feeling of satisfaction and peace with which he had slid into sleep.

For her part, Anya was recalling other nights she had spent solely in the company of women, as they'd pleasured each other physically and mentally. After all, only a woman truly knows the paths to the orgasmic centre of another woman. She'd enjoyed last night more than any night in a century or more. She smiled to herself as she replayed it over again, feeling the warmth grow between her legs.

Buffy still sat on a chair at the table, where Tara and Willow had seen to the bite marks on her neck. Even now her hand was caressing the area, sending tingles through her body. A sense of loss and longing hung on her that she felt but had no hope of understanding. She felt again the cool hands and tongue of her lover, the skillful ways he knew how to please her. None before him had ever taken the time to satisfy her as Spike did. Why, why did he have to be a soulless creature? Why did he have her so firmly under his spell?

Willow and Tara were seated at Giles' desk; Willow idly flipping through the book in front of her; Tara sitting silently beside her, watching from under the cloak of her fringe. Willow was still tingling from last night. She'd never had such an intense feeling of being loved and of loving as she did when the three of them had writhed on the mats on the training room floor. She'd been a lesbian for such a short time, and last night was a revelation for her to the depths and heights a woman could take her too.

Tara smiled out from under her fringe, as she looked at Willow and saw the colour rising in her lover's cheeks. She knew that, like herself, Willow was replaying scenes from last night. It had been strange at first to share such intimacy with another woman, but then it had moved to adventure and on into heaven. She knew that if either of the other two suggested a repeat, she would be there.

...

Spike hobbled through the sewer tunnels toward his crypt. His bare feet were an angry red where the sun had got to them and a little charred where they had ignited. Fortunately there was water flowing through the drain he'd landed in, when he'd dropped through the manhole outside the watcher's building. His lower legs were also burned as well as three of the fingers on his left hand. They'd been exposed holding his coat closed to protect his naked body.

In hind sight, he might have been a little hasty leaving the safety of Rupert's flat, with nothing but his coat to protect him. It'd be just his luck to come across some nosy bloody demon, on his journey through the tunnels. He snorted. He didn't seem to be having much bloody luck about anything lately. Okay, he was doing the slayer. In moments of honesty, like now, he knew that was about the sum of their relationship. Another snort escaped him. "Relationship? Yeah right, Spike, old chap. Just keep telling yourself that, you deluded prat! The only relationship you got going, is the one where you love her and she hates the ground you walk on. Fuck she was going to stake you, you stupid git! After everything we did and said last night, she was going to do it; just to save face with those wankers she calls her friends. … Bloody, sodding bitch. I've fucking had enough. Bitch is going to be sorry she ever fucking treated me like dirt under her shoe."

He stumbled on, mumbling and cursing to himself.

…

In the house by the sea, the man, and sometime Chaos mage, Ethan Rayne, lay in a slumber so deep, that he did not waken at the sound of cloven hooves, dancing noisily across the wooden floor, beside where he lay.

The two demi-gods, for that indeed was what they were, had rampaged through the house, searching from attic to cellar. In said cellar, they had stumbled upon a locked door that, when opened, revealed a treasure trove of dust covered bottles, laid meticulously in cob web laden shelves.

After unceremoniously breaking open a bottle each and downing the contents, they both hastily gathered an armful of the sweet nectar, and returned to the room they had first appeared in. They had spent the time since, emptying all of the bottles and engaging in drunken reminisces of times past.

"Well Silenus, this has been a merry night indeed. Fine wine and good company. But, it is time to return. Methinks our work here is done."

"Indeed, Faunas. This stupid human will find that he has reaped far more than he intended to sow."

As he said this, Silenus bent to the man lying on the floor and whispered in his ear. He straightened and signaled to his fellow god.

"I think the humans will be led on a merry dance before they work their way through the labyrinth of mischief we have played tonight."

They stood in the centre of the circle on the floor, beside their tiny representations. Silenus raised his hands and as he did so a mist of blue and green began to lift into the air around them. As it deepened to hide the figures within, there was a bright flash. The haze began to disperse, revealing only the figure of the unconscious mage, curled on the floor.

...

Giles stood on the stairs to the ground floor and looked at the scene before him. He could see guilt, confusion and worry etched on each face that turned to look up at him. All of them had apparently had a similar experience of unbridled lust and loss of control with whoever they had been with, at the time. His gaze lingered longest on his slayer, specifically at the bite marks on her neck. He noted that she was continually stroking them in an almost languid, sub conscious way.

He shook his head at the thoughts that rose unbidden. He knew something of the effects of a vampire's bite, particularly in certain circumstances. He hoped that the two had not performed a mating claim during their time in the bathroom but he very much suspected they had. He would need to research the ritual first though, before he tackled Buffy about it. He would also need a stiff drink to help quell the other thoughts that rose, as he looked at the bites left by his vampire.

He descended the stairs and walked toward the kitchen. "I think that I need a cup of tea and then perhaps we might gather together the information each of us has, er, gleaned, from last night. We need to get to the bottom of this before anything else untoward occurs."

"Um, I could go get us some don-nuts or something, for breakfast." Xander volunteered as he stood up from the sofa.

"Yeah, do-nutty goodness would be of the good. Sugar is fuel, after all." Willow glanced around at her fellow Scoobies, an attempt at a smile across her face.

"Yes, I th-think something to eat w-w-would be a good idea. Perhaps w-we c-could go w-with you and g-get some coffees, Xander."

"Yeah, good idea Tara. No sense starting a meeting on an empty stomach." Xander started towards the door.

"Yes, alright. Of course. An excellent idea, Xander. Perhaps the four of you can go and Buffy and I will, er, wait here."

"I really should go check on Dawn." Buffy jumped up from her chair.

"I believe you said that Dawn was at a friend's place for the weekend, Buffy?" Giles looked at her, one brow raised in question.

"Oh, right. Yes, she is. I sort of forgot for the moment, what with everything that's happened. Maybe I'll just go with the guys and get the food. Many hands making with the light load and all." She grinned sickly at the group.

"I think we need to have a chat, Buffy. About what you were doing with my v..., er Spike. Don't you?"

"Hokay, then. Me and the girls will be right back." Xander strode to the door and held it open for the three women. As he followed after them, he turned back for a quick glance at Buffy. She'd returned to her seat at the table and was currently drawing circles on it with the finger of one hand while the other was back, playing with the marks on her neck. He pulled the door closed.

...

Spike had finally reached the safety of his crypt. He stumbled through the opening into his bedroom, his feet now bloody from numerous cuts caused by the detritus of humanity that littered the sewer floors. He was by now in a completely maudlin state, lost in an agony of pain, self-recrimination, hope, despair and total confusion. He slumped onto the side of his bed, lifting each foot in turn to inspect the damage and remove a couple of larger pieces of iron and glass.

"Bloody, filthy humans. Throw anything into the sewer, they will. Bastards got no thought for anyone but themselves. If I ever get this chip out, someone is going to pay." He thought about getting up to get something to clean and bandage his feet so that his sheets wouldn't get stained. He liked to keep the crypt, especially this room, clean and tidy for when the slayer visited. He still had hopes that she might actually stay over one night and they could wake up together, in each other's arms.

Like they had this morning. The thought reminded him of what they had done with and to each other, last night. His hand went to the ragged bites on his neck. He wished he could see them. Dru had broken their last polaroid camera though and he hadn't got another. As his fingers stroked gently across the chewed flesh, he felt the sensation rippling through his body.

My god, they'd claimed each other. He wasn't really up on the whole ritual of a claim. He'd resisted Angelus' attempts to teach him proper Vampire lore and custom and so had only a rudimentary knowledge. He'd once attempted a claim on Dru but she had simply laughed at him, babbled some nonsense about the stars and refused him.

Didn't matter anyway because they were already mates in all the ways that Spike cared about, even if he resented that he had to share with Angelus. Course he'd also had sex with both Angelus and Darla, not that he'd ever got to instigate that. But he had understood it was a vampire family thing. Vamps were very sensual creatures. All of their senses were heightened so it was only natural that sex was often instigated from feeding or fighting or simply touch. He'd never doubted that he and Dru belonged to each other. Not until Brazil anyway.

He sighed to himself. He knew that he was in for a whole lot of heart ache now. The Slayer obviously didn't have a clue what they'd done. Hell, he didn't really have a clue. He couldn't bloody believe it. He could still taste her blood; feel its power swirling through him. Already the cuts and burns on his feet were doing that annoying healing itch and he knew it was a result of slayer blood. He could also still taste her other juices, still feel her inner muscles as they'd squeezed him into mind shattering climaxes.

Suddenly a wave of tiredness came over him. He'd been living under stress since the bloody Initiative wankers shoved the chip up his brain. This was just more of the same. Sod the bloody sheets. He'd nick new ones to replace them.

He shed the coat still hanging off his shoulders and slid under the sheets and let sleep take away, for a while.

…


	14. Chapter 14 - Recriminations

Previously on What the F…? Everyone has gathered at Giles' for a fast game of consequences and what the hells? Our Chaos mage continues to sleep the sleep of the naughty and the gods have had a bit of a chuckle at their mischief and left. Spike made it back to his crypt, a bit burnt and sore and rather sulky, not brooding mind, just contemplative. There is a bit of reminiscing too, which you can't help but think, are they're all gonna do it again?

Read on and find out…

As the door closed behind the children, Giles turned to contemplate his slayer. His daughter. His rival for Spike's affections. Oh dear, as if his life wasn't complicated enough. Perhaps, it's just that he's been lonely. He is getting on and apart from the occasional pleasant interlude, there has been no-one since he lost Jenny. He'd never really expected nor wanted to marry. Not really. Once he'd come back to the fold as it were, and resumed the mantle of Watcher that his father hand handed to him, his dreams had moved no further than to have a slayer, The Slayer, to train and mould. To help protect the world. With the occasional dalliance perhaps, but nothing permanent. The innocence he lost with Ethan, well that had served to remind him that relationships were at the very least distracting and messy but could also be dangerously life threatening.

No. He wasn't looking for long term relationships. It was bad enough that he felt a father to Buffy in all the ways that mattered. He cared for her deeply and he was certain he had no wish to see her involved with yet another vampire. 'Particularly when said vampire is yours' a tiny voice whispered to him. No! This was intolerable. He had no feelings at all for the bleached wonder. Spike was a monster, held in check by a circuit board that could, at any moment, fail. The beast within would surely then reclaim his former life and they would all be in danger, as the demon that Spike was, sought revenge for what it could only see, as an unjust imprisonment and humiliation. He shook his head as though to fling inappropriate thoughts away. He straightened as he composed himself and prepared to tackle the situation he'd unfortunately witnessed.

"Buffy."

The girl lifted her head to stare straight ahead of her as the hand on the table stilled its idle path. Her other hand continued to stroke the bite mark on her neck.

Giles sighed. "Buffy. We need to discuss this…"

"I'm not talking to you about it Giles. Not with you. I wouldn't with my real dad, if he'd actually give a damn." Her hand dropped from her neck as she turned her head to look up at him. "I can't, Giles. I really can't. I don't think I really understand what is happening any way."

Giles could see the tears his slayer was holding back, just barely. He could see the pain, the uncertainty, the fear etched into her face. He empathised, he really did. God, he felt the same. Someone was playing them all for fools. Playing with their very lives. This situation was completely outside the scope of any watcher's journals, he was certain. This was personal, very personal and they had all been targeted, or so it would seem.

"Buffy, my dear, I, I know this is difficult for you, however there are things happening that are not normal and we need to find out the source of the problem to find a solution. That means we have to trust each other and we have to share what is happening to us to do that." He put his hands in his pockets, looked up to the ceiling. "What I saw, we saw, Xander and I, in the bathroom. It is clear that you and Spike had erm, well sexual relations."

Buffy let out a small groan that descended into a whimper. "Please, Giles. Please, can we not."

"I'm sorry Buffy, but this is important and we must. For all of our sakes. Both you and Spike have bite marks on your necks. I need to know how they got there. What you were doing at the time and what was said. It's very important."

"Oh, god. Mine." Buffy pushed back from the table as she whispered this. The last word echoed through her head, sent shivering jolts through her body. Hand clasped to her neck she pushed past the watcher, fleeing to the bathroom where she slammed the door. She hoped the sound of her sobbing would be drowned out when she turned the taps on.

Giles sighed again. "Well, that could have gone worse." He went to his small library of books to begin researching vampire claims and their effects on humans.

…

The four Scoobies sat silently, awkwardly in Xander's vehicle as they drove into town. Xander was lost in a sea of milk white skin, tasting again, the lukewarm semen of a vampire, sliding down his throat. He groaned at the vision, took a hand from the steering wheel to rub across his chest.

"Shit!"

"What, Xander? What's wrong.?" Anya looked with concern at her lover.

"My, my breasts. They're gone!"

Willow and Tara leaned forward from the back seat as Anya leant across the front seat to stare at his chest.

"I'd forgotten all about them in the…"

"Shock of seeing Buffy and Spike naked, on the floor in Giles' bathroom?" Anya asked with her usual bluntness.

"Yes, Anya. That, exactly that." Certainly nothing to do with the fact that he and Spike and, oh god, Giles, had been up to naked games in Giles' bed last night. Nothing to do with the strange, hollow feeling, he'd gotten in the pit of his belly, when he saw Spike's arm across the naked back of a naked Buffy, lying on top of a naked vampire. His naked vampire. Oh shit, he was so screwed. His hands gripped the steering wheel so tightly, his knuckles were turning white.

Anya patted his leg. "Pity, I would have liked to play with your breasts, Xander. They looked very perky."

He groaned again.

"N-now that I think about it, G-Giles l-looked n-normal when he c-came back downstairs."

"You're right, Tara." Willow squeezed her girlfriend's hand. "I never noticed, but his chest was definitely flat. At least, as flat as it has been lately, anyway."

"What about Spike, Xander? Did you notice if his breasts were gone?"

Had he? Xander flashed back on the morning's peep show in Giles' bathroom. The first thing that flashed through his mind, was a blur of naked Buffy as she jumped up from the floor and darted to get a towel to wrap herself in. He'd looked over Giles shoulder to the figure, still stretched out, on the floor in front of them. His eyes had travelled up from Spike's thighs, to dwell on his cock, lying dormant across his groin. Even from where he stood, Xander could see that it and the balls that lay beneath it, were covered in a sticky film, the curling hairs that surrounded them, looking a little flat and wet.

"Well, Xander, did you see if Spike's chest was flat again?" Anya squeezed his leg as she asked this.

"Um..." Xander moved his mind's eye up the torso of the naked vampire. He was leaning up on his elbows, smirking at him and Giles, as they stood in the doorway looking down at him. His marbled chest, was smooth, the very male pecs shining dimly in the bathroom light, and covered in fading bruises and bites, love bites! "Yeah. Yeah the ladies breasts were gone. It was just Spike's chest, flat and muscly, like a man's," he ground out between clenched jaws. He'd so wanted to bite that chest himself, had bitten it, but his marks were covered by someone else's and it hurt, even now, to think about it.

...

They were sitting around Giles' table, which was littered with the remains of do-nut boxes and take away coffee cups. Conversation had been stilted, everyone still lost in a confusion of feelings over the previous night's events. They had trouble meeting each other's eyes. Giles cleared his throat, took his glasses off, retrieved his handkerchief and began polishing his glasses.

"Thank you everyone, for the refreshments. I think though that we need to get down to business. Apparently whatever spell caused the physical alteration to Xander, Spike and myself is no longer in play and we all have reverted to our proper physique. I am hoping this is permanent." Xander snorted at this. Giles put his glasses back on and glared at him.

"If I may continue. We do still need to find out whom or what was responsible. Some powerful magicks were cast and it is not safe to have such unknowns operating in Sunnydale. I know we've all had a rather confusing and strange evening. What we need to do now, is to compare notes. I know everyone is feeling a little disconcerted over the events of last night, but if we are going to get to the bottom of this mystery, we will have to get past any reluctance, end look at it objectively. We've all, I think, been affected by some sort of lust spell."

He paused and looked at each of them. The guilt and shame and other emotions, running across their faces, were testament to the truth of his words. He'd thought as much. The women had obviously been as affected as the men. He could only imagine what might have happened. He looked at Buffy, but she didn't raise her head and she was once again absently stroking the bite mark on her neck.

"Well, I can't say if it was a lust spell, but Willow, Tara and I gave the training room mats a very good workout, that's for sure." The two women named gasped out loud at Anya's frank statement. Xander turned pale and sat with his mouth open at the relevation.

"Ah, what are you saying, Ahn?"

"That I'd forgotten what wonderful orgasms women can give to each other. I don't think we were under a spell, but I suppose we normally wouldn't all have sex together. I mean Tara and Willow obviously would, but normally not with me." She sat with a delighted smile on her face, thinking back on the night before. Willow and Tara seemed to shrink in their seats, their faces turning bright red. "I certainly wouldn't say no to doing it again either. In fact I want to. Not that your orgasms aren't wonderful, Xander, of course."

"Ahn," Xander began in a strangled voice. He couldn't think of what to say though, as images of the three women flicked through his mind.

"Well, what did you and Spike and Giles do last night, Xander, while you were alone here?"

It was Xander's turn to glow bright red and duck down behind his fringe.

"Yes, well. I think details are probably not important." Giles cleared his throat. "What is important is that we all of us, appear to have participated in events that we would not normally do so.

"Yeah, so not of the normal," Willow agreed. "Wouldn't say no to doing it again though. Would you Tara?"

"Oh…um… ah… W-well, um I… it was nice. You're a v-very generous l-lover Anya."

"Yes I am. Years of practice. Lots of time on your hands, in between vengeance jobs. Have to do something to pass the time. Though we were always careful not to have other women's partners. That would be very wrong. But of course last night, you were both there and you both were very nice to me."

"So, ah Buff. What was with you and dead boy junior? On the bathroom floor." Xander looked at her expectantly. She looked up, an unfamiliar look of fear on her face. She clasped her hands together on the table in front of her.

"I went to check on Dawn and then I went to see Willy. You know to see if he'd got any info for me. On the new bad in town. Had to push him around a bit, but, no joy there." She continued to twist her hands together. "Um, I dusted some stupid vamps that were hanging round outside the bar and then I, um, well I, um. A funny feeling came over me, like I needed something really bad. Next thing I know I'm here and I thought I would have a quick wash. You know to get the vamp dust off and well… um… Spike was in the shower." She stopped and looked down at her hands.

"So what, you thought you should just join him?" Xander was leaning forward across the table. "Thought you would have him for yourself and while you were at it, you'd just bite him and cover other people's bites, I mean, ah.."

"That's enough Xander. I believe we have an idea what might have happened. There really is no need for further detail. Buffy was quite clearly under the influence of the same spell as the rest of us." Giles did not want to hear any further details. As Buffy had begun her telling of the previous night's events, he had felt the jealous rage building in him again. It seemed just as hot and black as it had that morning, when he had discovered the pair on his bathroom floor. He took a calming breath and tried to rein in his emotions. He needed a clear head to properly deal with this problem.

"I think what we need to do now is make notes of all the new people we have might have met, spoken too over the past week. As we have all been affected, it makes sense that one or more of us might have come into contact with our perpetrator. I suggest we each take a sheet of paper and write down any strange or new experience we might have had in the past week."

…

Spike woke with a start. He wasn't sure what had woken him, but there was a strange feeling in the air. He sniffed but could find no particular scent that might be cause for alarm. His stomach rumbled. He'd only been asleep for a couple of hours and his body felt leaden. He ached all over. His thoughts drifted back to the previous night and a smile slid across his face. His hand idly moved down his belly toward his groin. Strangely his cock did not stir. Suppose he did give it a bit of a workout last night. The slayer had been an animal and he'd had to work hard to keep up with her. She'd never been that way before. Certainly there'd never been any biting on either side before. At least none that deliberately drew blood.

He thought back to Giles and felt something stir in his chest. The man had been so attentive. He'd never seriously thought of the watcher in that way before. He'd maybe had a passing thought during those first weeks, after he'd come to them for help. It'd been more mischief and boredom than anything else, though. Same with the boy, even though he'd given him a hard time when they had shared the dank basement of the boy's parental home.

There had been something there last night though. He'd wanted the watcher. Very much. And the boy was a welcome addition. It was years, no decades, since he'd had any desire for another man. Not that gender entered into the equation when a vamp was horny. It's just he'd always been handy at pulling the birds.

He felt the pull of sleep calling him as the day blossomed into mid-morning. Time enough later to work out what exactly went on last night. He needed to sleep, to recuperate. His body was tired and needed time to heal and repair. He closed his eyes again and drifted away.

…


	15. Chapter 15 - Day Dreams

Previously on What the F...?

The Scoobies continue to relive their respective night of passion and lust. Buffy is strangely silent on her time in the bathroom with the bleached wonder; Giles ponders his strange feelings of jealousy and possession where the vampire is concerned; Xander alternates between wanting to stake the vampire with two different types of wood; the three women dream of a repeat; Spike sleeps the sleep of the dead, safe in his own bed, for now. Now read on...

Giles passed out blank sheets of paper and pencils to each of the children. It was a long shot but it was possible that at least one of them had inadvertently bumped into the mage responsible for their current predicament. Certainly, the spell seemed to have been targeted solely at them as everyone recounted that all seemed quite normal in the greater Sunnydale they had come in contact with.

"I think, Anya, that we should go through our sales register and check what has been purchased over the past couple of weeks. It is possible that our culprit might have needed supplies for his magical ceremonies."

"Yes, Giles. I think that is a very good idea. Also it will help me to remember the people that came in the shop. Xander and I should go now and get the book."

"Yes, yes. That's splendid. We might indeed get a lead from that."

"Giles, Tara and I were thinking we could ask the Wicca group at college if they've noticed anything that's disturbed the energy lately. There would be some trails left by a powerful spell. It must have been pretty powerful to affect us the way it did." Willow smiled at Tara as she said this.

"Excellent idea, Willow. Will any of them be on campus over the weekend?"

"Oh yes. They actually have a coven meeting this afternoon. We can go early and catch up with some of them beforehand."

"Good, good. I think that Buffy and I will check on Spike and then perhaps call on Willy again. Now, let's all meet back here, say at six this evening. Keep your ears and eyes open and stay safe."

"Will do G-man. Ahn and I will swing by the pizza place for research food, on the way back."

Giles sighed, lifting his eyes in frustration at the boy's pet names. "Good, good. Excellent idea, Xander." He reached into his pants pocket for his wallet.

...

"How are you feeling Buffy?"

"I, I don't know, Giles. I mean, I'm really confused about all this. I don't understand what happened between Spike and me. I really don't. I mean we've never..., I've never let Spike, bite me. He hasn't ever tried. Not since the chip, you know."

"How is it he can bite you?"

"The chip doesn't work on me. Not since I came back."

"I see. Tell me, Buffy, please. Have you and Spike, um, have you and Spike been intimate before last night?"

"Please don't ask me, Giles, please."

"Buffy, I'm not judging. You're a grown woman. You've more than earned the right to find some comfort and happiness with whomever you choose."

She took a breath, let it out. "He's been the only one I could talk to since I came back. He let's me be, just listens and doesn't tell me to buck up or tell me how I should be feeling. He's been a help, while I get used to being back... here. He's been a friend, Giles."

"I see. I should not have left you. I see that now. It was wrong of me to leave you to work through this by yourself. I'm sorry. I misjudged things badly. Tell me, do you see a future for you and Spike? Together?"

"I... I don't know, Giles. I really don't. I... I care for him, but..."

"But he's a vampire. Without a soul."

"Exactly. I know he's been helping us. Dawn told me a little of how he stayed and helped you while I was gone. How he looked after her. I don't know what to think about that. He was such a good friend, before we... before we, um, got together."

"Quite. When you bit each other, last night, was it during, ah, during sexual congress?"

She blushed bright red. "Yes. Every time." A whisper, embarrassment colouring her voice.

"Every time?" Giles choked a little on that. "I, uh, see. Well, the books are not very specific on this but it would seem that you and Spike have initiated a mating claim."

"A mating claim? Oh god, is that like a marriage, or something?" She groaned. What had she done?

"It would seem so. Though there are some contradictions in the writings, it would seem they all agree that the ritual involves exchanging blood by biting, during the act of intercourse." Buffy again blushed bright red.

"The consequences of the act are very much open to conjecture I'm afraid. The Council writings are based on third party hearsay from watchers mostly. There are stories of vampire human matings, but again, only hear say."

"Giles, I don't know what to think. I don't feel any differently. I haven't suddenly got vampire powers or anything. I don't feel any differently about him. I mean, I don't think I do. Oh god, I'm too young to be married. To anyone."

"Perhaps it's time we visited the vampire in question. Hopefully Spike might have some knowledge of the ritual that he can share with us."

"Yeah. He better. Or there might be a divorce by staking in the cards!"

...

"Tara, did you mean what you said about being with Anya, again?"

"W-well, o-only if y-you w-were there too." Tara smiled at her girlfriend. She still couldn't believe her good fortune to find such a wonderful partner. Her mother had always said that there would be someone for her, waiting to find her. She'd hoped it was true, but her childhood was so often sad and unhappy, she didn't hold out much hope for it. After her mother had passed, Tara held on to her belief in the Goddess and the good in the world, hoping that she would one day find her own happiness. Escaping her family, to attend college had been more than she could have ever hoped for. Now though, now she truly did have it all.

"It was fun, last night. I mean, not the same as just you and me, still it was very special. I, um, learned a few things."

"Y-yes. I-I guess years of experience c-come in handy."

"That thing, with her tongue, goddess, it was..."

"Yeah, it was." They smiled dreamily into each other's eyes.

...

"So is Spike a good lover?"

Xander spluttered, choked on the soda he'd just tipped into his mouth. "Ahn. Gah. I haven't asked you about what you and Willow and Tara got up to last night. I don't want to talk about last night at all. Ever!"

"Well you should. We experienced lots of great orgasms. Women can be very inventive when it comes to sex and especially when it comes to pleasing another woman. I thought perhaps it would be the same for men. Maybe I could learn something from Spike about what you like. I should ask him."

"There will be no asking bleach boy anything, about last night. Okay."

"But Xander, you get a special smile on your face when you're thinking about it. You're thinking about it now, aren't you. It must have been a good experience for you."

Xander's face turned redder. He had been thinking about it. In fact he'd been flashing back to it all through the morning. He didn't understand it at all. Sure, there'd been a bit of touching with Jesse, back when they used to hang out. Nothing meant by it though. Just two boys on the threshold of puberty experimenting a little. Nothing remotely gay like.

"Ahn, I'm not gay. Why would you think I am? I mean you always call me your Viking in the sack. I assumed that meant cause I give you good orgasms, I mean because I'm good at sex. With you. Good at heterosexual, boy on girl sex."

"Oh, Xander, you silly. Of course I don't mean your gay. You're very good at boy and girl sex. Very, very good. And you're a very quick learner too. You're one of the most attentive and energetic human lovers I've ever had."

Xander had been preening until he processed the 'human' in Anya's praise. He almost opened his mouth for clarification on that point, then he remembered a pale throat swallowing him whole, and cheeks hollowing and sucking him down like he'd never experienced before. He'd come so hard from Spike's blow job he'd fainted.

No, he wasn't going to ask for details on Anya's non-human lovers. No siree, bob. Nope, he wasn't that much of a masochist. Gawd though, he so wanted to be with Spike again. He could still see the ecstasy on Giles' face as he came inside the vampire. He kinda wanted some of that himself.

"You're thinking about him again, aren't you? You've got that same goofy smile. You know threesomes can be very exciting. I remember this one time with Dracula and one of his human boys. It was very pleasurable. Just watching two handsome men pleasuring each other, makes a girl very wet you know."

"Ahn! Please, you're killing me here. There is not going to be any threesomes or foursomes or..."

"Oh, I'd forgotten about Giles. He's very handsome, for an older man, and quite fit. From all the patrolling I suppose. Yes, I think that would be very nice."

"Ahn!"

...

Ethan groaned as he stretched stiff, sore muscles and limbs. Sleeping on the floor was not the most pleasurable thing to do, not that he'd meant to of course. He shook his head as memories of the previous evening flowed through his mind. How could things have gotten so out of hand. He chuckled to himself at the thought. He was a chaos mage. Who knew better, how easily things fell apart; how often even the best laid plans went astray. It was the reason he'd devoted himself to the art. He loved the unpredictability of it all.

Of course, this time he'd been weaving the spell for himself. He wanted Rupert Giles. He wanted what they'd had for such a short time, in their youth. He was getting on and he wanted something to leave behind him. Beside the chaos he'd managed to weave through the years. It was the reason behind his two previous visits. Casing the ground. Feeling out Rupert's feelings. He laughed at the thought.

Rupert giving him up to the army blokes wasn't at all part of any of his plans and he had harboured a bit of a grudge for a while. Okay, he'd been swearing all sorts of vengeance on the head of one Rupert Giles. His time suffering the hospitality of the USA's finest was not a memory he cared to delve into, too often. He did owe his fellow Englishman for that. Though perhaps, if truth be told, he himself might have overstepped the friendship by turning Giles into what he spent his life fighting.

Anyway, that was all in the past. Now he had more pressing matters to attend to. Like what might have been the result of the magic he'd begun last night and which had been hijacked by two gods he thought were serving him. Never trust a god!

...

Spike woke with a ravenous appetite. His guts were screaming as though he'd not fed in a fortnight. His entire body still ached. He stumbled from his bed and made his way across to the ladder leading to the upper chamber. He crawled up it, feeling like he'd been in a battle with a dozen Fyarls. Shoving the cover aside, he hauled himself through the hole and made his way to the fridge, in the corner of the room.

He opened it and grabbed one of the dark red containers on the shelf inside it. Unscrewing the lid, he downed the contents in a few seconds. He threw the empty bottle against the far wall and reached for the other container still on the shelf before the first had finished shattering. He downed the contents of that one even quicker. His stomach grumbled. Placing the second empty on top of the fridge, he reached for the bottle of Jack. Turning, he kicked the fridge door shut and made his way to the easy chair.

He slumped into it and unscrewed the bottle in his hand, raised it to his lips. The smell of the liquor swept up his nostrils and made its way to the pit of his stomach. It roiled, sending a wave of nausea through his body. He took a swallow of the liquor, felt the soothing, familiar burn of it as it made its way down his throat and into his stomach. The effect was almost immediate. He'd barely lurched from the chair before he was on his hands and knees, retching up everything he'd just swallowed.

The crypt door crashed open as he finished heaving. He groaned and let himself collapse onto his side. Pathetic, he knew, but right now he didn't care if it was every demon he'd ever pissed off, come to collect. He felt like shit and final death would surely be a blessing.

"Spike! Where are you? Get your sorry arse up here."

"Buffy, it is the middle of the day. He's probably asleep." Giles stood in the doorway, peering into the gloom. He took his glasses off and reached for the ever present handkerchief to begin the ritual polishing.

Buffy moved into the main room, looking toward Spike's favourite easy chair. She saw him, then, prostrate on the floor. Something welled inside her, sending her rushing to her stricken mate. She knelt down beside him and lifted his head into her lap.

"Spike, Spike. What is it? What's wrong?"

"Buffy? Buffy is that you? God, I feel terrible. So bloody hungry. Please. So hungry."

She didn't stop to think. She simply proffered her arm and felt the cool sting of his fangs as they slid into her flesh. She threw her head back, mouth open, gasping in pleasure as she felt the pull of her blood; felt it in the depths of her sex, as her vampire drew on her life's source.

...


	16. Chapter 16 - Connections

Previously on What the F...? The last we left them, the Scoobies had once again scattered to research the reasons behind their now treasured but still confusing, night of lust and sex. Giles and Buffy had the much needed heart to heart, though the future still remained solidly unclear. Ethan woke to sore muscles and worry for his hijacked plans. Giles and Buffy ventured to the quiet surrounds of Restfield Cemetery, to visit their favourite bleached vamp, only to discover a rather ill denizen of the night, who promptly began feasting on his favourite slayer. Now read on...

Giles stood in the door, glasses forgotten, as he took in the sight across the room. His slayer was kneeling on the floor, cuddling his vampire. He replaced his cleaning rag, donned his glasses and walked into the chamber.

"Buffy, what is it? Has something happened to Spike?" As he moved closer, he saw the girl's head tilted back, seemingly staring at the ceiling. He thought he could hear the sucking sounds of a vampire feeding. Surely not!

"Buffy?" He lurched toward the pair on the floor, reaching down as the vampire let go the girl's arm.

"Thank you, Buffy. I, I needed that." A whisper so low, Giles almost missed it.

"You've haven't taken enough, Spike. You're sick. You need to feed more."

"No. Buffy, no more. Not now. Don't want to take too much. Won't hurt you."

"What is going on here, Buffy?"

"He's sick, Giles. He needs our help." Tears tracked slowly down her cheeks, sadness etched her face.

"What do you mean, he's sick? A few hours ago, you and he were on the bathroom floor of my flat, after spending hours, making... having..."

"Yes, Giles and now there's something wrong with him. Look at him. He looks like a dead man. Spike never looks like a dead man. He's sick. He's thrown up all over the floor, Giles." Her breath hitched. "Look at him! We have to help him. Please."

Giles looked at the vampire, whose head nestled in Buffy's lap. He saw the dark circles under the eyes, the pasty, dry, crepe paper look to his skin. The bright smear of blood on his lip, stood out in stark contrast, to the lack of colour in his face. In short, he looked dreadful. Worse than when he'd first come to them for help, after he'd been chipped by the Initiative.

"Spike?" Watery blue eyes looked up at him. "Spike, do you know what's wrong with you?"

The only answer he received was a slight shake of the head. "What can we do for you?"

"Hungry." The quietest whisper, Giles almost missed it. He shook his head at that simple statement. He didn't understand this vampire at all. The creature had just had his fangs in Buffy's veins, a slayer's blood in his mouth, freely given, and he'd not drained her. Despite his obvious need, he'd pushed her arm away from him. Giles shook his head, then dropped to sit on the floor, beside the pair. He rolled up his sleeve and offered his wrist to the vampire.

Buffy looked up at him. "Thank you, Giles. Thank you." She stroked the vampire's cheek. "Drink, Spike, drink. Get well."

"Yes, Spike. Drink. I offer it freely and I trust you will not take more than I can give." Giles wasn't actually sure of these last few words. He'd no idea where they'd come from, let alone the whole offer to allow a vampire to feed from him. It certainly was not from his training. It should have been unthinkable for him to consider this at all.

Never the less, he held his wrist firmly against the cool lips. He held his arm steady, as he felt those lips part; felt a small exhale of air against his pulse point; saw the face in front of him change; the brows coming out and together; the nose broadening; the blue eyes turning to gold. He felt the sharpness of fangs grazing his inner wrist, felt a tongue, rougher, cooler than a human's, lick along his vein. He felt the sting of penetration, the pull of his blood, rushing to leave his body; to give life to another. He began to drift.

His eyes closed and opened to an inner world. He saw a connection between him and this creature of the night. A rush of emotions flooded through it. He felt an overwhelming sense of loss and sadness; loneliness unendurable; confusion and longing; a great yearning to love and be loved. The weight of these feelings coursed through his body like a cold, leaden, heavy flow of ice and fire. He groaned at the burden of it.

Now, images flashed through his mind. People in period dress, their faces a rictus of ridicule and taunting; a barn; dark glorious locks of hair; eyes of luminous gold; blood. More feelings rushed in - pain, cold, suffocation and fear; freedom, the like of which he'd never known before; hunger, hard enough to break bones; belonging, a place, tenuous, but still, a place to belong; lust and above all power, undreamed of, intoxicating, power.

Giles felt himself falling into it all, losing himself, becoming something, other. He felt the drive of the blood lust, felt the thrill of the chase and the kill, the rush of power that surged through his body, the need for the fight. The world opened up to him like never before. The gentle caress of a breeze against his body, brought the scents and sounds of the life that surrounded him. He smelt the sun in the air, the dust motes that rode on it, the vomit and blood on the floor beside him, the sweat of his own body and of Buffy's. He heard the sound of their hearts beating in their chests, the air being sucked into their lungs, channeled and exhaled again.

He smelt Buffy's worry for her vampire mate and wondered at emotions having their own signature. He smelt her otherness, her power. He smelt the weight of the sorrow, she carried inside her. The loss of her father; the loss of her mother; the fear of losing her sister; the sorrow of doing what she must; the pain of her sacrifice; the longing for the rest she had earned and lost.

All this rushed through him, as the vampire drew his blood. He opened his eyes and he was hovering, in the air, suspended above three figures on the floor of the dusty crypt. He watched as the vampire, his sworn enemy, drained his blood, held by the vampire slayer, as he did it. The vampire's cheeks filled, his skin smoothed. He felt the power return to the cold body, as his own faded.

Spike withdrew his fangs from the watcher's wrist. His tongue swiped across the wounds, licking up the last traces of blood, leaving a trail of saliva that worked to seal the tiny holes. He lifted his head and looked into the eyes of Giles. The man was lost in an ecstasy of emotions and experiences he wouldn't have known could exist. Tears trickled down the watcher's cheeks. Spike knew that a vampire's feeding could cast a mesmer on the victim, if the creature so desired.

He'd felt the connection with the man, as he drew the blood from his vein. He'd opened himself, without thinking, allowing Giles to experience things no watcher had probably ever been privy too. Not and lived, at least. He hadn't intended to do any such thing, but then, he'd no intention to feed off the man either. Something was happening to him, driving strange needs in him. Something he didn't have a buggering clue about.

Was it only yesterday that he'd woken with breasts any stripper would've been proud to flaunt? He'd thought it strange and unnerving, but couldn't help taking the piss with the other pair and the Scoobies in general. Couldn't help having a go at the slayer, either. He did want to help her, but sometimes, he just couldn't help wanting to get a bit of his own back, for the way she treated him; used him. Besides, it'd been funny and he'd always tried to make the best of whatever befell him.

Sure, his existence had turned to shit since his little trip to the white cells of the Initiative. He'd made a deal with the devil. Well, actually, god's people, he supposed, his natural enemy, to survive. Surprised the uptight wanker of a watcher, he had, but honestly, if they'd bother to study their prey, they'd realise that vampires were, for the most part, pragmatists. The smart ones anyway. Whatever it took to survive. Better to run, and fight another day, when the odds were against you. After all, they were potential immortals with some serious defects, which could rob of them of that potential, in the blink of an eye.

Spike was a smart one. It's why he'd survived so long; become a master. He knew when to retreat, when to take whatever help was available to him. Like now. He felt the combined blood of the slayer and the watcher thrum through his veins, slide into the web of tiny capillaries, taking the blood and the magic it contained, to every organ in his body. He felt the tingle of his cells renewing themselves, felt the muscles of his heart contract and expand as it sent the blood on its healing, innervating journey.

The Watchers were wrong about that too. A vampire's heart was not dead. It didn't beat like a humans but it still was the director of the blood. It still pulled the blood into it and then sent it on its way, enhanced, magicked. There was a reason the heart was the Achilles' tendon of a vampire. It was the keeper of the magic that animated their human remains.

Spike savoured the taste of the two humans. The power and magic of the slayer's blood, familiar, and yet not. Such sorrow and loss, longing, fear. Her aloneness burned him, almost as much as his own did. He knew this, of course, but it was a much stronger tale, in the story that was her blood. His heart broke for her, all over again. He mourned that golden girl he'd yearned for. He hoped that she would return one day soon.

The watcher. Now there was a bundle of contradictions. It more than explained his straight laced, pig headed, black and white view of the world. He'd been subject to a stern, English upbringing, tainted by the insane rigidity of a watcher's heritage, which had been pressed upon him. Rebelling against this enforced heritage, he dabbled in the black arts, reveling in the power until mishap made him pull back, tried to leash it all, quash it; restrained, but bubbling under the surface. Yes, Ripper was just there, pushing the man, pushing to be let out. Nothing more boring and uptight than a reformed sinner. Nothing more fun to let loose, either.

Here was a challenge worthy of old Spike, a door to unlock. Yes, something that could be useful, down the track. A smile crossed his lips as he thought this. He felt the overwhelming pull of the need to sleep, to heal, to continue. Sighing, he allowed himself to slide into oblivion, still nestled in the lap of the slayer, his mate.

Buffy stroked the sleeping face, a frown creasing her forehead. She'd had a hard time coping, since being ripped away from the place of softness and peace, to wake alone and screaming in her own coffin. She'd been returned to the bright hardness of life, confused, trapped, unasked and she'd been left to cope as best she could by those who'd pulled her back. The last few hours though, had plunged her into something else again.

She'd hated herself for her dalliance with Spike. She'd come to believe that he did have feelings for her. He'd certainly proven everything she'd been taught of vampires did not seem to apply to him, at least. He'd thrown confusion into her soul over her role as absolute executioner of demon kind. She couldn't have feelings for him. He was soulless, a killer leashed by technology, waiting the moment of release to take up his life of carnage again. She was wrong to use him, as she did but she couldn't have feelings for him. Why now, had she allowed him to bite her, had returned the bite, exchanged blood, with him?

"What's happening to us, Giles? Has he put a thrall on us? Why are we letting him do these things, to us. Why, why did I let him bite me, and… return it?" The man in question was lying on the dusty floor beside her, one arm across his face. He moved to sit up.

"As far as our records indicate, William the bloody has no thrall. I've no idea what is going on here, my dear. No idea at all. This is entirely outside of anything I've heard or learned, from the Council. I suspect that we are still under some influence of whatever spell was cast against us."

"Did... did you, did you feel something... when Spike was drinking from you?"

"Yes."

"It was like I could see inside him, feel his memories… feel what it's like... to be a vampire. Oh god, he's so lonely, so alone."

"Yes, yes. I believe I experienced something similar. Very unsettling. I think I need to do some reading."

...

Ethan had prepared a hot bath with sea salt and angelica. He must begin the ritual by cleansing himself, ridding his body of any residue of the spells he'd cast last night. He'd placed fresh clothes on the chair by the old fashioned claw foot tub. He disrobed and rubbed his body with a mixture of white sage and basil infused cider, then stepped into the hot water and sank beneath the floating herbs.

Earlier, he'd gathered his herbs and tinctures, sorting through them for the ingredients he would need to summon the god, he wanted answers from. He needed to find out what had happened to his spell and what the future might hold for his plans, whether he could salvage something from the mess.

He'd carefully cleansed the floor inside his pentacle with wolfs bane and replaced the burnt candles with new ones of white and red. He'd placed sage, primrose and lilac in the bowl in the centre of the magical symbol. Then he'd placed sandalwood about the room in final preparation. Soon, he hoped, he would have some answers.

...


End file.
